商场也搞恋爱心理战

    男女约会时的一个经典的权力游戏是多等几天再给对方回电话，我们大多都曾亲身实践过这个策略，或者受过它的折磨。然而，Verizon和美国银行（Bank of America）最近的收费风波告诉我们，其实，这个策略对于企业应当如何与顾客打交道也有一定的启迪。

    20世纪初，社会学家维拉德•维勒通过对大学本科生恋爱关系的研究提出了“最低兴趣原则”。他指出，我们自己对和他人之间关系的感受取决于我们对这段关系的公平感和投入程度。在这一关系中（表面上）投入最少或兴趣最低的一方掌握着最大的权力。“最低兴趣的一方”其权力缘于他有能力在不同的互动关系中利用双方兴趣的落差，这些互动关系囊括了购买商品时的讨价还价、说服老板加薪的谈话，乃至成功敲定周六晚上与心上人的约会。

    大多数人在商场和个人感情中都竭力谋取权力，这一点听起来可能并不令人惊讶。我们在追求“最低兴趣方”所具有的权力时所陷入的行为模式才是真正值得探讨的问题。

    我曾研究过一些高度渴望获得成功的人士，我的团队和我本人都反复观察到，这些动力十足的人由于感觉自己与他人的关系失衡，最终破坏了自己在工作中的各种人际关系。人际关系中的不公平感可能导致我们采取一些只会激化矛盾的行动，形成一个毁灭性的恶性循环，无法自拔。

    这种恶性循环大致如下：某人感觉到他的下属、合伙人、配偶、老板或其他某个相关方在双方关系中的兴趣更低。随着情绪的引线越变越短，他或许会开始因为这种不平衡而采取行动，比如小题大做，一点小事就大发雷霆；开始对同事和家人吹毛求疵等等。

    他可能会以毒攻毒，开始刻意疏远对方，试图靠冷落对方重新获得权力和控制力。这种策略只会触发另一方作出相似的回应，形成一个不断自动强化的恶性循环，导致猜疑与误解日益加深。

    这些人不是选择进行一次虽然困难但却必要的对话，找出问题的症结并加以解决，而是一味担心再也无法重新占据优势，因此简单地继续这一循环，幻想形势能够误打误撞地自动恢复平衡。这些人不是率先反思自己的焦虑与不安全感，而是猛烈批评对方，责怪对方才是导致关系恶化的根源。

    最低兴趣方所拥有的权力可能会导致人们用冷漠的假象隐蔽自我，而不是采取必要行动、承担必要风险，在信任的基础上建构人际关系。要想跳出这种零和权力游戏，必须心甘情愿地示弱，同时坦诚地面对自己和他人，愿意承认、控制权力的失衡，而不是放任这种失衡吞噬自我。当今世界，我们与他人之间的真实或虚拟的联系（以及这些联系带来的权力角力）都日益复杂，上述法则很难做到，但却至关重要。

    We've all fallen victim to or been perpetrator of the classic dating power play – waiting just a few days longer before calling. But this tactic can teach companies a thing or two on how they should be dealing with their customers, especially in light of Verizon (VZ) and Bank of America's (BAC) relatively recent fee fiascos.

    The "principle of least interest," developed by sociologist Willard Willer from his studies of dating relationships among college undergraduates in the early 20th century, explains that how we feel about a relationship with another person depends on our perceptions of fairness or level of investment in that relationship. The party who holds the most power in that relationship is the one who is (or appears) least invested or interested. The power of "least interest" stems from an ability to exploit that difference in interest during various interactions, ranging from negotiations over the purchase of something desirable, to convincing your boss to give you a raise, to landing a date for Saturday night.

    It may not sound surprising to suggest that most of us jockey for power in our business and personal relationships. The real insight comes from understanding the patterns of behavior that we fall into while pursuing the power of "least interest."

    In a study I did on high-need-for-achievement personalities, my team and I observed over and over how these driven individuals sabotage their own relationships at work in their reaction to perceived asymmetries with others. Feelings of inequity in relationships cause us to act out in ways that only exacerbate the problem, and can create destructive cycles that are hard to break.

    The downward spiral looks something like this: A person perceives that his subordinate, partner, spouse, boss, or some other party has less interest in a relationship. He may begin to act out in reaction to the imbalance -- pouting or getting unnecessarily angry over small incidents, becoming more critical of others at work and at home -- as his emotional fuse grows increasingly short.

    He may fight fire with fire, distancing himself in those relationships in an attempt to regain power and control through expressing less interest. These tactics trigger a similar reaction from the other person, resulting in a self-reinforcing loop of distrust and misunderstanding.

    Rather than having a difficult but necessary conversation to identify and resolve the issues at hand, these individuals fear that nothing can be done to get them back in favor and simply continue the cycle in the vain hope that things will somehow balance out. Instead of first reflecting on his own anxieties and insecurities, the individual lashes out at others, placing the blame for the foundering relationship on them.

    The power of least interest can cause people to cloak themselves in indifference rather than take the effort and the risks needed to build relationships based on trust. Escaping these zero-sum power games requires a willingness to be vulnerable and honest with yourself and others, to recognize and manage power imbalances while not allowing them to consume you. This is a tall but critical order in a world where our physical and virtual connections to others (and their associated power dynamics) are only growing more complicated.