恶搞文：马斯克要造汽油车

特斯拉的创始人、CEO伊隆·马斯克是个不折不扣的梦想家，他的很多科幻般的理念受到了万众追捧。除了已经量产并大获成功的特斯拉电动汽车，他还有一家私营的太空运输公司，另外他还在筹划一个用真空管道建造的“超级高铁”项目。

就在本周一，特斯拉又抛出了一个旨在再次革新整个汽车行业的理念——一辆烧汽油的车。

在特斯拉总部举行的新闻发布会上，马斯克宣布，特斯拉公司将从2022年起量产一款汽油动力车型，这款车被命名为Model T。

马斯克表示：“我们绝对能造出一台创新车型，但难点不在这里。真正的难点是，你怎么生产一款美国人真正想买的创新车型？我们认为我们已经有了答案。”

他补充道：“Model T将是一款超级的下一代车型。”（坟头里的亨利·福特表示我没有什么好评论的。）

虽然特斯拉一心搞大事，但它的成功也并非没有伴随着阵痛。首先是Model 3的大火让它的产能有些捉襟见肘。《华尔街日报》近日的一篇报道称，Model 3的一些零部件是“手工”制造的，而不是自动流水线的产品。马斯克称此报道失实，并表示：“就算有些零件真是手工制造的，那也只会让我们的车子显得更有工艺感。”

为了平息各种质疑和批评，马斯克表示，特斯拉正在寻找一种低成本且高效率的出行方式。汽油车也许正是答案。

马斯克在新闻发布会上表示：“我因为火星旅行和超级高铁计划受到了不少批评。我明白这些理念在有些人眼中太超前了，所以我又设计了一点不那么超前的东西。”

作为一个做电动车起家的公司，有人担心造汽油车会有损特斯拉的品牌，对此，马斯克表示没什么好担心的。

马斯克指出：“坦率地说，很多人根本不在乎他们的车子是不是电动的。所以汽油车尽管可能给人一种倒退的感觉，不过一想到我可以把卖车的利润拿来造超级高铁，这样大家不管乐意不乐意，以后最终都得通过真空管道出行，我心里还是挺安慰的。”

Model T将成为特斯拉公司的第一款内燃发动机汽车。从目前披露的参数看，Model T是一款五座车型，高速油耗约为每加仑31英里。该车型不会搭载任何自动驾驶功能（特斯拉招牌性的“滑稽模式”也将被“理性模式”所取代），其软件也不能无线升级。

“显然，有些人就是喜欢模拟技术。”马斯克有些恼火地说。有报道称，有人瞧见他在发布会结束后把一罐可乐往墙上摔。

特斯拉Model T还没量产，就已经有了很高的需求。在听说了量产计划后，Urban Outfitters公司当即表示要采购40万辆。

“现在的千禧一代非常喜欢有情怀的东西。”Urban Outfitters公司的发言人表示：“就像黑胶唱片机一样，油耗一般的汽油车会给人一种很酷的感觉。”

另外，Model T也得到了一直被特斯拉忽视的一群人的支持，他们就是对消费汽油上瘾的美国人。

“我买车必须符合两个条件，一是美国产的，二是烧汽油的。”一名预订了Model T的用户对记者说：“但特斯拉的车却是烧电的，当初我买的时候并不知道这一点。每个星期我都要买好多汽油，由于用不了，只好白白倒掉了。一旦我买了一台Model T，我就可以不用这么做了。”

特斯拉表示，所有预售订单都被一抢而空。该公司还称，如果美国在2022年以前立法禁止汽油车上路，公司将概不退款。（财富中文网）

译者：贾政景

FREMONT, Calif. (SATIRE)—Elon Musk, founder and CEO of Tesla Motors, is revered for his visionary ideas: a mass-market electric car, a private space transport company, a mode of regional transportation that relies on vacuum-sealed tubes.

On Monday, Musk revealed his latest groundbreaking concept in a bid to once again transform the automobile industry: a gasoline-powered car.

At a press conference held at the automaker’s headquarters, Musk announced that Tesla will begin mass production of a gas-powered vehicle in 2022. He plans to call this vehicle the Model T.

“We can definitely make a innovative new car, but that’s not the hard part,” Musk said. “The hard part is, how do you make an innovative new car that Americans actually want to buy? We think we have the answer.”

He added: “The Model T will be super next level.” (Henry Ford was unavailable for comment.)

Famous for its ambitious projects, Tesla’s success has not been without growing pains. The automaker has been struggling to keep up with the demand for its latest electric vehicle, the Model 3. A recent Wall Street Journal report claimed that parts of the car were built “by hand,” rather than on its automated assembly lines; Musk denied the report, adding, “Even if we did, that makes our cars artisanal.”

To stanch the tide of criticism, Musk said Tesla has been searching for a low-cost, efficient way to serve customers in need of a new ride. Gasoline might be the answer.

“I’ve been criticized for my plans for Mars travel and Hyperloop transport,” Musk said during the press conference. “I understand these concepts are too advanced for some. So I went back to the drawing board.”

When asked if Tesla risks besmirching a brand built on electricity, Musk dismissed the idea.

“Honestly, a lot of people don’t really seem to care if their cars are electric,” Musk remarked. “So while this gas-powered vehicle might look like a step backwards, I take solace in knowing the profits will help me eventually transport people via pneumatic tube, whether they want it or not.”

The Model T will be the company’s first vehicle powered by an internal combustion engine. The model specifications boast a capacity of five passengers and roughly 31 miles per gallon on the highway. The vehicle will not have any autopilot capabilities (the company’s signature “Ludicrous Mode” has been swapped out for “Sensible Mode”) nor software available for over-the-air updates.

“Apparently, analog technology is what some people want,” said an exasperated Musk, who was reportedly seen hurling his Diet Coke into a wall after the press conference was over.

The Tesla Model T is already in high demand. Upon hearing news of planned production, Urban Outfitters committed to purchase 400,000 of the vehicles.

“Today’s millennials yearn for the styles of yesteryear,” said an Urban Outfitters spokesperson. “Just like the vinyl record player, gas-powered vehicles with average fuel economy are very much cool again.”

The Model T has also seen support from a demographic previously underserved by Tesla: Americans who love to consume fossil fuels.

“When it comes to my car, it’s gotta be two things: American and gas-powered,” said one customer who pre-ordered a Model T. “But Tesla’s cars run on electricity, which I didn’t know when I bought one. Each week I end up buying gallons of gas that I can’t even use. I just pour it all down the drain. Once I have a Model T, I can stop doing that.”

Tesla noted that all pre-order sales are final, and that it will not issue refunds if legislation banning gas-powered vehicles is signed before 2022.