如何培养真正的“感恩之心”

新年来临之前，表示感谢开始让人感觉像是应付公事，而不是真心的行为。加州大学洛杉矶分校戴维·格芬医学院的精神病学副教授、《家长的权限》 （Permission to Parent）一书的作者罗宾·伯曼医学博士表示：“人通常在安静的时刻才会产生感恩，而不是在为一大堆待办事项忙碌不堪的时候。”。事实上，节日季的高潮并不是优先考虑感恩的最佳时机。

那么，我们如何去真诚地迎接崭新一年的到来呢？以下十位专家将为我们提供帮助——

如何改变思维 ?

别当成大事来处理。

准备在感恩节表达感激，方式很简单也很微妙。洛杉矶以赛亚圣殿（Temple Isaiah）的教士约耳•尼克森表示：“在希伯来语中，感恩的意思是‘hakarat hatov’，字面翻译是‘发现美好’。它的意思并不是寻找生命中新的积极的方面，而是让你从身边发现值得去感恩的事物。”不止是那些宏大的、明显的事物，例如身体健康或加薪升职等，也包括许许多多的小事。《溺爱的反面》（The Opposite of Spoiled）一书的作者、《纽约时报》（New York Times）专栏作家罗恩•利伯说道：“我在芝加哥莱格里维尔长大，从来都没有一个有保证的车位。大约12年前，我在布鲁克林买下了一个车位。这是我和妻子为自己购买的最奢侈的商品之一。但每次我把车停在第18号停车位时，我都会在内心对自己说出我的感激之情，而且经常会大声地说出来。”找到身边的小事物，然后大声地表达自己的感激之情。

但也不要让它变成日常琐事。

加州大学伯克利分校（University of California, Berkeley）至善科学中心（Greater Good Science Center）的高级研究员、《加州大学伯克利分校的10堂幸福教养课》（Raising Happiness）一书的作者克里斯汀•卡特博士表示：“同一件事，主动去做和被迫去做是有区别的。虽然听起来两者的区别微乎其微，但实际上却有天壤之别。从心理学的角度，当大脑认为你被迫去做某件事情时，它会更容易产生逆反。只有大脑感觉你是主动去做某件事情，这才是真正的发自内心。”

重新组织感谢的话。

南方滑稽演员、《为馅饼留出空间》 （Save Room for Pie）一书的作者小罗伊•布劳恩特说道：“我们被要求经常说‘谢谢’，我认为这是礼节性的感谢。例如，坐飞机去某个地方，你会对出租车司机和售票员说谢谢，在抵达目的地之前，你大约还需要说九次谢谢。这种迫不得已的重复，会让我们对真诚的感谢变得陌生。”下一次说“谢谢”时尝试这种变化： 想想成本与效益。纽约亨普斯特德的霍夫斯特拉大学（Hofstra University）的心理学副教授、《让孩子学会感恩》 （Making Grateful Kids）一书的作者之一杰弗瑞•J•弗罗博士说道：“想想一个人为你付出的成本——不止是他们为你做任何事情所花的金钱，还有为此付出的时间和精力，再思考一下自己真正获得的好处。想想别人每天的善行，会让你更心存感激。”

尝试从哲学的角度考虑问题。

加州大学戴维斯分校（University of California, Davis）的心理学教授罗伯特•埃蒙斯博士认为：“所有人生命的开始都要依靠他人，多数人生命的终结也要依靠他人。我们无法创造或塑造自己。没有人是凭空诞生的。人生就是付出、接受和报答。我们应该有感恩的心。如果我们选择忽视这个事实，就会偏离人生的轨道。只要清楚这个事实，便足以激励一个人用更加感恩的心态去对待人生。”

宽以待人。

利伯表示：“对于那些尝试公开表达感谢的人，尽量不要过于苛刻。有些人可能只是认为，这种公开性质的行为是迫使他们对自己的行为负责的一种力量，对他们是有效的。如果他们不在最开始时宣告将在30天内坚持感恩，他们可能无法成功。”如果你发现自己对社交媒体上的那些话题和宣传活动变得越来越愤世嫉俗，不妨在11月份屏蔽这些人，或者暂时离开社交媒体。

看在上帝的份上，请远离Pinterest。

如果你要努力完成一项异常煞费苦心/精心设计/复杂的活动，你便很难对日常生活中的小事物产生感恩之心。伯曼表示：“你的生活节奏越慢，你就会有越多可以感恩的空间。而这种感恩的心态会增加大脑中的血清素和多巴胺，进而缓解压力。”插花是你的特长？太好了！（感谢锋利的剪子和宽口花瓶。）如果不是，别再滚动屏幕了，坚持自己的特长。芝加哥A Perfect Event公司的老板、活动策划黛比•莉莉说道：“设置好后便不要再去管它。选择一份不会成为负担的菜单和详细内容。”

给予口头上的支持。

伯曼说道，当孩子为你做了一些好事时，“可以从口头上为他们‘击掌欢呼’。”如果孩子感谢你做的晚餐或者感谢你开车送他去某个地方，你可以说：“谢谢你跟我说‘谢谢’。你能这样做真是太好了！”伯曼建议，时刻以身作则，给孩子树立榜样。 “你希望孩子听到你对爱人说：‘开车辛苦了，谢谢，亲爱的。’而不是‘你开得真慢。我们要迟到了。’”

采取实实在在的方式。

埃蒙斯表示：“刺激成年人产生感恩之心的抽象思维练习，并不适合青少年。你需要用直观的教具。”在一大张纸上画一棵树，把它粘在墙上，孩子每天有一件需要感恩的事情，便在上面贴一片便利贴“树叶”。在孩子的午餐盒上贴一张便条：“感谢学校的休息时间！”对于年龄较大的孩子，发短信提醒他们珍惜自己的幸福，或者告诉他们你对他们的感激。理想情况下，你可以在任何月份进行这些练习，不过11月份是培养这些习惯的理想时机。

专注于“四大”。

如果向孩子灌输感恩之心的想法，让你不知所措，可以从下面的“四大”开始： 教育、家庭、健康与庇护。可以考虑在11月份，每周专注于一个方面（或者每周拿出一个晚上）。你可以问下面的问题。（在学校里，让你感恩的事情是什么？家中有哪些事情让你感到安全和幸福？你本周用身体做过哪些事情，让你充满感恩？）或者你可以更加深入。例如，伯曼表示：“利用‘家庭’，让孩子知道他们的曾祖父曾参加过二战，或者曾让一位犹太人藏在在地下室里，或者曾在铁路工作。让他们知道他们是血脉相连的。”

在日历上标出一些特殊的日期。

未来很遥远。别把感恩节看作是新年的慈善捐赠计划。对于你的家人来说，发誓每周一次甚至每月一次参加志愿者活动，可能不太现实。你应该找到一些容易实现的方式，例如看望辅助生活中心里的长辈，或给外地的朋友打电话等。 (财富中文网)

译者：刘进龙/汪皓

Giving thanks can start to feel like a command performance rather than a genuine act. “Gratitude happens in quiet pauses and moments, not when you have a giant to-do list and you’re racing around,”says Robin Berman, M.D., an associate professor of psychiatry at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA and the author of Permission to Parent. In fact, peak holiday season may not even be the best time to make it a priority. So how do you embrace the season sincerely? Ten experts are here to help. Let’s do this.

How to Shift Your Thinking ？ 

Don’t make it a Big Thing.

Gearing up for gratitude in anticipation of Thanksgiving can be simple and subtle. “In Hebrew, the term for gratitude is hakarat hatov, and the literal translation is ‘recognizing the good,’” says Rabbi Joel Nickerson of Temple Isaiah, in Los Angeles. “It’s not about finding new forms of positivity in life, but rather about reorienting yourself around the things that you should already be grateful for.” And not just the big, obvious ones—good health or a job promotion—but small things, too. “Growing up in Wrigleyville, in Chicago, I never had guaranteed parking,” says Ron Lieber, the author of The Opposite of Spoiled and a columnist for the New York Times. “About 12 years ago, I bought a parking spot in Brooklyn. It was one of the most extravagant things my wife and I have ever bought ourselves. But every time I pull in to spot 18, I always say to myself internally—and often out loud—how grateful I am.” Look for the little things and say thanks out loud.

But don’t make it a chore.

“There is a line between choosing to and having to do something,” says Christine Carter, Ph.D., a senior fellow at the Greater Good Science Center, at the University of California, Berkeley, and the author of Raising Happiness. “It sounds like a small distinction, but it’s enormous. From a psychological perspective, when your brain thinks you have to do something, it will be more likely to resist. Only when you feel like you are choosing to do something can it be authentic,” she says.

Reframe your thank-yous.

“We are required to say ‘thank you’ a lot, which I think of as ritual gratitude,” says Roy Blount Jr., a southern humorist and the author of Save Room for Pie. “When you fly somewhere, for example, you say ‘thank you’ to the cab driver and to the guy at the ticket counter and about nine more times before you get to where you’re going. That required repetition can cause us to lose touch with sincere thanks.” Make this change the next time you say “thank you”: Think about cost and benefit. “Notice the person’s cost—not just money they may have spent to do something for you but also the time and energy it took—as well as the true benefit to you,” says Jeffrey J. Froh, Psy.D., an associate professor of psychology at Hofstra University, in Hempstead, New York, and a coauthor of Making Grateful Kids. “Thinking about everyday kindnesses like that will make you way more grateful.”

Get philosophical for a minute.

“We all begin life dependent on others, and most of us end life dependent on others. We did not create or fashion ourselves. We did not birth ourselves,” says Robert Emmons, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis. “Life is about giving, receiving, and repaying. We are called to gratitude. If we choose to ignore this truth, we steer ourselves off course. Just knowing this is usually enough to inspire a more grateful outlook on life.”

Cut others some slack.

“Try not to be so hard on people who are practicing public acts of gratitude,” says Lieber. “Some of them probably feel like the public nature works for them as a way to sort of force themselves to be accountable. If they don’t declare at the beginning of the 30 days that they are doing their 30 days of thanks, they may not get it done.” If you find yourself growing cynical about hashtags and campaigns, hide those people for the month of November or take a break from social media.

And for the love of Pete, stay off Pinterest.

It’s hard to feel grateful for the small, everyday things if you are trying to pull off an uncharacteristically elaborate/crafty/complicated event. “The more you can slow things down, the more space you have to be grateful. And that gratitude then increases serotonin and dopamine in the brain, reducing stress,” says Berman. Is floral arranging your gift? Wonderful! (Be grateful for sharp shears and wide-mouth vases.) If not, stop scrolling and stick to your strengths. “Set it and forget it. Choose a menu and details that won’t be a burden,” says event planner Debi Lilly, the owner of A Perfect Event, in Chicago.

Give verbal high fives.

When your children do something nice for you, “verbally high-five them,” says Berman. If your child thanks you for dinner or for driving him somewhere, make a point to say, “Thank you so much for saying ‘thank you.’ That’s really nice of you!” And model that type of language as much as you can, says Berman. “You want your children to hear, “Thanks for driving, honey,” to your partner, not ‘You’re driving so slow. We’re going to be late.’”

Be concrete.

“Abstract-thinking exercises that stimulate gratitude in adults will not work with young children,” says Emmons. “You need visual aids.” Draw a tree on a large piece of paper, tape it to the wall, and let kids add a Post-it note “leaf” of one thing that they are grateful for each day. Put a note in your child’s lunch box that reads, “Be thankful for recess!” For older kids, text them reminders to count their blessings, or say how grateful you are for them. Ideally, these would be any-month practices, but November is a good time to start making them a habit.

Focus on the Big Four.

If the idea of instilling gratitude in your kids feels overwhelming, start with the Big Four: education, family, health, and shelter. Consider addressing one each week (or simply one night of each week) during the month. You can ask questions. (What are you thankful for at school? What about home makes you feel safe and happy? What did you use your body for this week that you can be grateful for?) Or you can go deeper. For example, says Berman, “use ‘family’ as an opportunity to let your children know that their great-grandfather fought in World War II or hid a Jewish person in a basement or worked on a railroad. Their lives are linked.”

Put some dates on the calendar.

Waaay in the future. Don’t think of Thanksgiving as the New Year’s resolution of charitable giving. Vowing to volunteer once a week or even once a month may not be realistic for your family. Instead, think of ways in which you can easily give back, whether it’s visiting an elderly relative in an assisted-living center or simply calling an out-of-town friend.