FBI探员教你，如何利用情商赢得谈判

1998年，哈莱姆区的一栋高层建筑内，我正站在27楼一间公寓外面的狭窄楼道里。当时，我是FBI纽约市危机谈判小组（New York City FBI Crisis Negotiation Team）组长，那一天由我作为主要谈判代表。

调查小组报告称，至少有三名全副武装的逃犯藏在里面。几天前，这伙逃犯用自动武器与敌对帮派进行了一场枪战，所以在我身后安排了纽约市的FBI反恐特警组，狙击手也在屋顶上，用狙击步枪瞄准了公寓的窗户。

在这种紧张的局势下，传统的谈判建议是保持面无表情。不要流露出任何情绪。直到最近，大部分学术专家和研究人员，都完全忽视了情绪在谈判中的作用。他们认为，情绪是取得良好谈判结果的障碍。最常见的说法是：“要对事不对人。”

但我们不妨想一想：如果一个人的问题出在情绪上，你又如何做到对事不对人呢？尤其是当他们手持枪械，恐惧不安的时候。情绪是阻碍沟通的主要障碍之一。当一个人对另一个人不满时，理性思考就会被抛诸脑后。

所以，好的谈判者不应该否认或者忽视情绪的存在，而是应该识别并影响对方的情绪。

情绪并不是成功谈判的障碍；而是谈判成功的一种手段。

当天下午，我在哈莱姆区隔着门与公寓里的人谈判了六个小时，然后三名逃犯主动缴械投降，平静地让警方戴上了手铐。在FBI任职的24年间，我和我的团队曾经成百上千次地面对这种生死攸关的局面。在这种高风险的情况下，我们如何取得和平的结果？我们所依靠的并不是理性或者逻辑；而是我们的情商，以及基于心理学、同理心和劝解等方面的战术。

要想将情商提高到这种水平，需要你打开你的感官，少说多听。通过观察和倾听，睁大眼睛，竖起耳朵，闭上嘴巴，你几乎可以获得你需要的所有信息 —— 甚至比对方希望你了解的信息还要多。以下是我所总结的利用情商取得谈判成功的五种技巧，这些技巧都经过实践检验，你可以把它们用在会议室、餐桌或者车行。

1. 选择性地重复对方的用词

向对方重复其刚刚说过的话最后一到三个单词。这是建立关系最迅速的方式之一，还能给对方带来足够的安全感，使他们可以敞开心扉。它的优点就是简单。所以深受人们喜爱。使用这种技巧时，再用上“深夜电台主播”的嗓音和升调（听起来像是在提问）。这些策略可以放慢对话的节奏，让你有更多时间去思考。

2. 练习战术性的同理心

让对方感觉到你能够看出他们情绪中的细微变化。主动指出对方的恐惧。 “听起来你害怕……”和“似乎你在担心……”等短语，可以消除对方的戒心。另外，列出对方可能对你说的最恶毒的话，在对方开口之前自己主动说出来。主动表达出对方心中对你的指责（不论这些指责有多么荒谬），而不是予以否认，可以避免加深对方的仇恨。

3. 给对方说“不”的机会

被迫说“是”会让人产生抵触心理； 他们担心这是陷阱。对于这种情况，律师有一个专门的词来形容，叫做“逼入困境”。谁想被逼入困境呢？而说“不”会让说话的人感觉安全，觉得一切尽在掌握，所以要给对方创造机会。可以询问一些指向否定答案的问题，例如： “现在说话是不是不太方便？”或者“你已经放弃这个项目了吗？”

4. 让对方说出“你说的没错”

当你让对方相信，你了解他们的梦想和感受时，便是谈判取得突破的时刻。通过总结和重复对方的感受和期望，让对方给出“你说的没错”的回应。而能够有效触发这种回答的总结，应该基于驱使对方行为但对方可能尚未察觉到的感受和情感。这会产生一种微妙的同理心，同时让对方相信，你与他们感同身受。

5. 创造控制错觉

在谈判中占据主动的秘密是，让对方产生控制错觉。不要试图迫使对方承认你是对的。提出以“如何”或“什么”开头的问题，让对方去花费精力思考答案。

不管我们是否注意到，我们其实每天都在为各种各样的事情进行谈判，比如让配偶多做家务，让孩子再吃三口或者按时睡觉，延长项目截止期限，加薪，提高休假工资等。事实上，我们的职业、财务、信誉、爱情甚至孩子的命运，都在一定程度上取决于我们的谈判能力。上面的谈判技巧基于情商而不是基于逻辑与理性的传统方法，通过使用这些技巧，你肯定能在谈判中占得先机。（财富中文网）

本文作者克里斯•佛斯是前FBI首席国际人质绑架案谈判专家，也是黑天鹅集团创始人兼CEO，著有《像生死攸关一样谈判》一书。

本文最初发表于Time.com。

译者：刘进龙/汪皓

It was 1998 and I was standing in a narrow hallway outside an apartment on the 27th floor of a high-rise in Harlem. I was the head of the New York City FBI Crisis Negotiation Team, and that day I was the primary negotiator.

The investigative squad had reported that at least three heavily armed fugitives were holed up inside. Several days earlier the fugitives had used automatic weapons in a shootout with a rival gang, so the New York City FBI SWAT team was arrayed behind me, and our snipers were on nearby rooftops with rifles trained on the apartment windows.

In tense situations like this, the traditional negotiating advice is to keep a poker face. Don’t get emotional. Until recently, most academics and researchers completely ignored the role of emotion in negotiation. Emotions were just an obstacle to a good outcome, they said. "Separate the people from the problem," was the common refrain.

But think about that: how can you separate people from the problem when their emotions are the problem? Especially when they are scared people with guns. Emotions are one of the main things that derail communication. Once people get upset at one another, rational thinking goes out of the window.

That’s why, instead of denying or ignoring emotions, good negotiators identify and influence them.

Emotions aren’t the obstacles to a successful negotiation; they are the means.

After six hours talking through the apartment door in Harlem that afternoon, all three fugitives surrendered peacefully, hands out first, prepared for handcuffs. How did my team and I secure a peaceful end to a high-stakes, life-or-death situation—as we had in hundreds of other cases in my 24 years with the FBI? We didn’t rely on logic or rationale; instead we used our emotional intelligence and techniques based in psychology, empathy and counseling.

Getting to this level of emotional intelligence demands opening up your senses, talking less and listening more. You can learn almost everything you need—and a lot more than other people would like you to know—simply by watching and listening, keeping your eyes peeled, your ears open and your mouth shut. Below are my top five field-tested techniques in utilizing emotional intelligence to succeed in any negotiation—whether you’re in a boardroom, at the dinner table or at the car dealership.

1. Mirror words selectively.

Repeat the last one to three words your counterpart just said back to them. This is one of the quickest ways to establish a rapport and make your counterpart feel safe enough to reveal themselves. The beauty in this is the simplicity. People love this. Use it with what I like to call the “late night FM DJ voice” and upward inflecting (sounds like a question). Tactics like this will slow the conversation down for you and allow you more time to think.

2. Practice tactical empathy.

Demonstrate to your counterpart that you see the nuances of their emotions. Proactively label their fears. Phrases like “It sounds like you are afraid of…” and “It looks like you’re concerned about…” go a long way in disarming them. Also, list the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before they can. Expressing—and not denying—accusations they may be harboring (no matter how ridiculous) keeps them from festering.

3. Get to a "no."

Being pushed for “yes” makes people defensive; they fear a trap. Lawyers actually have a name for this—they call it “cornering.” Who wants to be cornered? But saying “no” makes the speaker feel safe, secure and in control, so trigger it. Ask no-oriented questions, like: “Is now a bad time to talk?” and “Have you given up on this project?”

4. Trigger "that's right."

The moment you’ve convinced someone that you understand their dreams and feelings is the moment a negotiation breakthrough can happen. Trigger a “that’s right” response by summarizing and reaffirming how your counterpart feels and what they want. A great summary that will trigger a “that’s right” will be done based on feelings and passions that are driving them but that they may be blind to. This creates a subtle epiphany and simultaneously confirms that they share empathy with you.

5. Create the illusion of control.

The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is to give the other side the illusion of control. Don’t try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Ask questions, that begin with “How?” or “What?” so your opponent uses mental energy to figure out the answer.

Whether we notice it or not, we spend our days negotiating for something: for our spouse to do more housework, a child to eat just three more bites or go to bed on time, an extended deadline on a project, a salary increase, a better rate on a vacation package. In fact, our careers, finances, reputations, love lives and even the fate of our kids at some point hinge on our ability to negotiate. By using the techniques above, ones grounded in emotional intelligence, rather than the classic approaches based in logic and reason, you’re guaranteed to have the competitive edge in any discussion.

This article originally appeared on Time.com