你是否想过,如果父母不再彬彬有礼并开始做真实的自己,会发生什么?播客主持人杰伊·阿昆佐在一个漫长的周末,从好友身上找到了这个问题的答案。他的朋友都是父母,孩子年龄在8个月至4岁之间。
他的推文开头写道:“我想聊一聊为人父母这件事情以及我们的文化……”,之后他详细讨论了在美国为人父母的现实状况。
阿昆佐表示:“我们的文化是主张抚养子女/为人父母是宝贵的体验,是礼物,是快乐,甚至要求我们认同这种观点。但这与父母们的心声或者他们真实的感受截然不同。相反……我们谈论的是父母的身心健康都出现了问题。我们的事业遭遇重创。我们的友谊正在消失。我们与伴侣的关系变得紧张(有一人总结称:他们只是与我生活在一起的另一个家长)。”
大多数评论者和转发者对此似乎都表示认同,他们分享了为人父母所遭遇的困难,但反对者自然不在少数。然而,阿昆佐和其他人的经历并非个案。虽然有研究显示,父亲在孩子出生后幸福感会短时间提升,但另外一项研究指出,父母在孩子出生后的前几年会幸福感下降,而且对婚姻的满意度也会下降。
简而言之,在大多数情况下,为人父母是一项沉重的负担,总是要做一位优秀的父母,始终要表现得和蔼可亲,这让人倍感压力。这充分证明了一句俗语:“由外向内难以理解明白,由内向外难以解释清楚。”但《帮助子女解决精神混乱》(How to Help Your Child Clean up Their Mental Mess)一书的作者、认知神经科学家、心理健康专家和四个孩子的母亲卡罗琳·利夫博士认为,有一种方法可以让为人父母变得更容易忍受。
利夫说:“经常提醒自己,没有人能够让你真正做好为人父母的准备。你或许读过一千本育儿宝典,做了无数研究,但每个人作为父母的经历都是独一无二的,你需要付出许多努力,边做边学。这是正常的,可以理解!”
此外,她还鼓励父母在遇到困难的时候,要牢记下面几句话:
“我爱我的孩子,我想把最好的都给与他们,但我有时候会犯错,如果我陷入愤怒或愧疚的情绪无法自拔,根本于事无补。”
“我可以犯错,我也有权利感到悲伤。我依旧能够帮助孩子过上精彩的人生,即便他们遇到不开心或不尽如人意的事情,我也会帮助他们保持精神健康。”
利夫解释道:“每当你想起这几句话,你就承认了自己的情绪、行为、身体上的感觉和视角,你就会意识到与它们有关的想法,以及它们在你生活中的表现。这可以帮助你自我调节内心的想法、感受和选择,并帮助你练习善待自己,在犯错的时候从容应对。”
减轻为人父母的压力的其他策略包括:
安排独处时间
“如果有机会,一定要安排出时间,做让自己开心的事情。这让你有机会减压和放松,在恢复为人父母的模式时,你就会变得更加精力充沛,不会感觉精疲力尽。”
参加对家庭友好的活动
“如果你无法安排儿童护理,可以考虑你喜欢的活动,并以对儿童友好的方式参加。如果你喜欢桌游,你可以找一个社区,参与对家庭友好的桌游活动。如果你喜欢瑜伽,可以与孩子一起参加对家庭友好的瑜伽课。”
寻求帮助
利夫表示:“当你感到不堪重负时,向你信任的人吐露心声,如果你需要减压,即便只是短短30分钟的独处时间,不要害怕寻求帮助。”
如果这些做法无效,可以与其他家长相互安慰。要记住,在推特(Twitter)等公共平台上求助,可以收获大量回复,还会有人主动提供建议。
阿昆佐继续说道:“父母们应该被允许吐露更多心声,因为当我们对自己为人父母的体验感觉糟糕时,会觉得羞愧。……对于其他家长们,我想说:我看到你了。我会一直陪伴你。接受你的感受。有问题的不是你,而是与我们的文化有很大关系。”(财富中文网)
译者:刘进龙
审校:汪皓
你是否想过,如果父母不再彬彬有礼并开始做真实的自己,会发生什么?播客主持人杰伊·阿昆佐在一个漫长的周末,从好友身上找到了这个问题的答案。他的朋友都是父母,孩子年龄在8个月至4岁之间。
他的推文开头写道:“我想聊一聊为人父母这件事情以及我们的文化……”,之后他详细讨论了在美国为人父母的现实状况。
阿昆佐表示:“我们的文化是主张抚养子女/为人父母是宝贵的体验,是礼物,是快乐,甚至要求我们认同这种观点。但这与父母们的心声或者他们真实的感受截然不同。相反……我们谈论的是父母的身心健康都出现了问题。我们的事业遭遇重创。我们的友谊正在消失。我们与伴侣的关系变得紧张(有一人总结称:他们只是与我生活在一起的另一个家长)。”
大多数评论者和转发者对此似乎都表示认同,他们分享了为人父母所遭遇的困难,但反对者自然不在少数。然而,阿昆佐和其他人的经历并非个案。虽然有研究显示,父亲在孩子出生后幸福感会短时间提升,但另外一项研究指出,父母在孩子出生后的前几年会幸福感下降,而且对婚姻的满意度也会下降。
简而言之,在大多数情况下,为人父母是一项沉重的负担,总是要做一位优秀的父母,始终要表现得和蔼可亲,这让人倍感压力。这充分证明了一句俗语:“由外向内难以理解明白,由内向外难以解释清楚。”但《帮助子女解决精神混乱》(How to Help Your Child Clean up Their Mental Mess)一书的作者、认知神经科学家、心理健康专家和四个孩子的母亲卡罗琳·利夫博士认为,有一种方法可以让为人父母变得更容易忍受。
利夫说:“经常提醒自己,没有人能够让你真正做好为人父母的准备。你或许读过一千本育儿宝典,做了无数研究,但每个人作为父母的经历都是独一无二的,你需要付出许多努力,边做边学。这是正常的,可以理解!”
此外,她还鼓励父母在遇到困难的时候,要牢记下面几句话:
“我爱我的孩子,我想把最好的都给与他们,但我有时候会犯错,如果我陷入愤怒或愧疚的情绪无法自拔,根本于事无补。”
“我可以犯错,我也有权利感到悲伤。我依旧能够帮助孩子过上精彩的人生,即便他们遇到不开心或不尽如人意的事情,我也会帮助他们保持精神健康。”
利夫解释道:“每当你想起这几句话,你就承认了自己的情绪、行为、身体上的感觉和视角,你就会意识到与它们有关的想法,以及它们在你生活中的表现。这可以帮助你自我调节内心的想法、感受和选择,并帮助你练习善待自己,在犯错的时候从容应对。”
减轻为人父母的压力的其他策略包括:
安排独处时间
“如果有机会,一定要安排出时间,做让自己开心的事情。这让你有机会减压和放松,在恢复为人父母的模式时,你就会变得更加精力充沛,不会感觉精疲力尽。”
参加对家庭友好的活动
“如果你无法安排儿童护理,可以考虑你喜欢的活动,并以对儿童友好的方式参加。如果你喜欢桌游,你可以找一个社区,参与对家庭友好的桌游活动。如果你喜欢瑜伽,可以与孩子一起参加对家庭友好的瑜伽课。”
寻求帮助
利夫表示:“当你感到不堪重负时,向你信任的人吐露心声,如果你需要减压,即便只是短短30分钟的独处时间,不要害怕寻求帮助。”
如果这些做法无效,可以与其他家长相互安慰。要记住,在推特(Twitter)等公共平台上求助,可以收获大量回复,还会有人主动提供建议。
阿昆佐继续说道:“父母们应该被允许吐露更多心声,因为当我们对自己为人父母的体验感觉糟糕时,会觉得羞愧。……对于其他家长们,我想说:我看到你了。我会一直陪伴你。接受你的感受。有问题的不是你,而是与我们的文化有很大关系。”(财富中文网)
译者:刘进龙
审校:汪皓
Have you ever wondered what happens when parents stop being polite and start getting real? Podcaster Jay Acunzo found out during a long weekend with close friends, all of whom have kids between the ages of eight months and four years old.
He started his Twitter thread with, “Something I need to get off my chest about being a parent of young kids and the culture we live in…” and proceeded to discuss in great detail the reality of parenting in America.
“What the culture shares and even demands you share about having kids/being a parent is that it’s precious, it’s a gift, it’s a joy, etc. But this is not what actual parents talk about or how actual parents feel,” Acunzo wrote. “Instead…We talked about the fact that our physical + mental health had gotten problematic. Our careers had taken huge hits. Our friendships were drifting. Our relationships with our partners felt strained (one person summed it up as: they’re basically just the other parent I live with).”
Although most people in the comments and quote tweets seemed to agree, sharing their own struggles with parenting, naturally there were a few naysayers. But Acunzo’s and others’ experiences are far from an anomaly. Although some research suggests that fathers experience a boost in happiness shortly after a baby is born, another study says that parents experience a decrease in happiness during those early years in addition to a decline in marital satisfaction.
In short, parenting is a lot on most days and the pressure to perform and be a good, gracious parent at all times is real. It’s a real testament to the phrase: “From the outside looking in, you can’t understand it. From the inside looking out, you can’t explain it.” But there is a way to make parenting a bit more bearable, according to Caroline Leaf, PhD., author of How to Help Your Child Clean up Their Mental Mess, a cognitive neuroscientist, mental health expert, and mom of four.
“Remind yourself often that no one can truly prepare you for all the things that come with parenting,” says Leaf. “You may read a thousand parenting books and do a lot of research, but your experience as a parent will be completely unique to you, and you will have to do a lot of learning on the go. This is okay and normal!”
Additionally, she encourages parents to keep in mind the following affirmations when times get tough:
“I love my children and want the best for them, but I sometimes make mistakes and I cannot be helpful if I hold on to my anger or guilt.”
“I am allowed to make mistakes and I am allowed to be sad. I can still help my child have an amazing life and help them with their mental health even if things are not happy or great all the time.”
“As you remind yourself of these things, you are acknowledging your emotions, behaviors, bodily sensations, and perspective, and creating awareness of the thoughts these are attached to and how they are showing up in your life,” explains Leaf. “This helps you self-regulate how you think, feel and choose in the moment, and will help you practice being kind to yourself and showing yourself grace when you make a mistake.”
Other tactics for attempting to lessen the stresses of parenting include:
Schedule alone time
“When you have the chance, remember to schedule in time for yourself to do things that make you happy. This will give you the space needed to decompress and rest, so that when you get back into parenting mode you will have more energy and won’t feel so burnt out.”
Look for family-friendly activities and events
“If you aren’t able to organize childcare, think of activities that you like and find child-friendly ways of doing them. Say you like board games—try to get a community together for a family-friendly board game event. If you enjoy yoga, try doing a family-friendly yoga class with your children.”
Ask for help
“When you feel overwhelmed, confide in people you trust and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you do need some time to decompress, even if it is just 30 minutes to yourself,” says Leaf.
And, if all else fails, feel free to commiserate with fellow parents. Just keep in mind doing so in public forums, like Twitter, may lead to plenty of discourse and unsolicited advice.
“Parents ought to be given more permission to say multiple things are totally true at the same time, because we feel ashamed to feel bad about our experiences otherwise,” continues Acunzo. “ … To fellow parents: I see you. I’m with you. Embrace how you feel. There’s nothing broken about you, but plenty about the culture.”