女性如何跨越“信心鸿沟”

    在一本名为《信心代码：女性应该掌握的自信科学与艺术》(The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance – What Women Should Know)的新书中，两位著名的电视记者克莱尔•希普曼和凯蒂•肯表示，女性不如男性那么自信，甚至当她们具备同等能力时也是如此。她们援引的众多研究显示，缺乏自信正在成为许多女性事业发展的拦路虎。这两位作者发现，这个问题不仅她们自己身上存在，就连她们采访的许多权势人物也深受其害。

    作为一位过去10年来一直从事沟通培训工作的教练，我对这个结论并不感到惊讶。我不仅看到了这个问题，而且还询问过不少女性，她们为什么缺乏信心，希望找到解决之道。

    过去一年来，似乎每隔一周就会有一篇文章、一项研究或调查把“高管风范”列为女性面临的挑战之一。高管风范，也就是形象和说话像一位领导者，往往是信心的委婉说法。不少企业找我帮助某位高管，不是因为他或她缺乏信心，而是因为他们需要“打磨一下风范”。没有人愿意承认自己的领导者缺乏信心。实际上，我经常发现这些领导者对自己的工作很有信心——他们只是看起来或者在内心深处觉得自己配不上这种成功。

    在我培训高管的10年中，女性高管碰到这一问题的频率远高于男性。

    比如，我曾经帮助一位女性高管克服对发言的恐惧心理。我追问这位受过良好教育的女士，问她究竟怕什么，她说她担心人们会认为她不够聪明。当她需要在世界各地声情并茂地宣扬所在组织的杰出工作时，这种非理性的恐惧让她变得非常拘谨，过于正式，显得无动于衷。

    去年，在多家金融服务公司培训极具潜力的女性雇员期间，公司领导者确定了两大沟通挑战：其一，他们说女性往往不像男性那样频繁地寻求外界的复核；与此同时，由于担心女性变得情绪化或者产生戒备心理，男性也不敢提出反馈意见。其二，他们说女性也不愿意像男性那样坐在前排，积极参与讨论。这些沟通挑战正在打击女性高管的职业生涯。我在培训会上提出了这些问题，想看看她们作何反应。一位年轻女性说，她很难挤入男性俱乐部，或者面对一群男性侃侃而谈。另一位说她不参与讨论的原因是，她担心要是她没有掌握所有的答案，他们会无视她本人和她的想法。

    那么，女性怎样才能提升自信心呢？

    我建议客户欣赏一则联邦快递(FedEx)的广告——在这则广告中，有两个人在会议期间讲了同样一番话，但第二个家伙显得信心十足。先发言的那位资历稍浅，他以问题的方式抛出自己的见解。临近发言结束时，他的声音上扬了一下。（小姑娘们听好了，这就是所谓的高声发言。）进行陈述时，他的眼睛扫视四周，胳膊肘嘎吱嘎吱地支撑在桌面上，而且他的外形看起来不够整洁。后发言的那位则坐直身子，身体微微前倾。即将结束之际，他的声音突然变得低沉，给人以确信不疑之感。他显然是在注视，而不是扫视坐在桌子四周的几个人。脚本中唯一的差异是，正式发言前，他先说了一句开场白，“好吧，大家听听这个看法怎么样？”然后，他暂停了一下，顿时集中了与会者的注意力。

    很容易吧，但本文要重点讨论的是，女性如何才能改善自己的表现：

    不要过于在意形象，过分顾及别人的反应

    在10年的教练生涯中，为上镜形象而烦恼的男性屈指可数。我向你保证，这决不是因为男性高管个个英俊潇洒，气度不凡。另一方面，如果女性觉得没有呈现出自己最好的一面，她们就不会把心思放在培训本身。这都可以理解。我自己一点都不怀念在破晓时分上电视的那些日子，这就是其中一个原因。就外表而言，我们女性拥有的服饰和发型选择比男性多得多。对于女性，人们一直奉行以貌取人的标准，无论她们从事什么工作，做出了多大的成就。在这个问题上，最有发言权的恐怕是希拉里•克林顿。

    In a new book, The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance – What Women Should Know, two high-profile TV journalists, Claire Shipman and Katty Kay, say women are less confident than men even when they are equally competent. They cite studies that suggest this lack of confidence is getting in the way of more women getting ahead. The authors have seen it in themselves and in interviews with powerful people.

    As a communications coach for the last decade, I'm not surprised. I've not only seen it, but I've asked women why to help find solutions.

    In the last year it seems every other week there is an article or study or survey about executive presence as a challenge for women. Executive presence -- looking and sounding like a leader -- is often a euphemism for confidence. Businesses don't approach me to help an executive because he or she lacks confidence, but because they need to "polish their presence." Nobody wants to acknowledge that their leader lacks confidence. Indeed, most often I've found they are confident in the job they do -- they just don't look it or feel deep down that they deserve success.

    In my decade of coaching top executives, this is far more often the case with women.

    For instance, I once worked with a well-educated executive who was dealing with her fear of speaking. When I pressed her about what exactly she was afraid of, she said she feared people would think she is not smart enough. This irrational fear was making her stiff, formal, and unemotional when she needed to emote to promote her organization's good work around the world.

    And within the last year training high-potential women at several financial services firms, leaders identified two main communication challenges: First, they said women don't ask for reviews as often as men, and men were afraid of offering feedback for fear of women getting emotional or defensive. Secondly, they said women don't sit up front and participate like men. The communication challenges were holding women back. In the session, I asked the crowd for reaction. One young woman said it's hard to squeeze in or speak up in a man's club. Another said she doesn't participate because she's afraid they'll dismiss her and her ideas if she didn't have all the answers.

    So how can women start feeling more confident?

    I suggest clients look at a FedEx (FDX) ad -- the one where two guys say the same thing at a conference table, but the second guy is confident. The first, more junior guy floats his idea as a question, his voice goes up at the end of the statement. (Young girls listen up. That's UP speak.) As he speaks, his eyes dart around the table, he's crunched over leaning on his elbows, and he looks disheveled. The second man sits up, slightly forward. His voice goes down at the end of his thought with conviction. He looks distinctly at a few people at the table vs. scanning. The only script difference is that he leads off with a line, "Okay, how 'bout this ..." Then he pauses, and that reels in attention.

    Easy enough, but here's how women can do better:

    It's the way we look and look

    In a decade of coaching, I can count on one hand the number of men who have been bothered by the way they look on camera, and let me assure you it's not because they all look so good. Women on the other hand cannot focus on the coaching if they feel they don't look their best. This is all understandable. It's one of the reasons I don't miss being on TV at the crack of dawn. Visually, we have more clothing and hair choices than men, and we have long been judged on our looks no matter what the job and how well you do. Ask Hilary Clinton.