亲爱的安妮：女性是否需要提高谈判能力？如何提高？最近，我一直在关注有关这个问题的讨论。之所以对这个问题感兴趣，是因为我想让自己的事业更上一层楼；我认为，要实现这个目标就不能安于现状，而应该主动出击寻求提升，而不是被动等待，随遇而安。我希望能成为一名优秀的谈判人员，您能否介绍一些可供我学习的资源？——亚特兰大市的艾莉森

    亲爱的艾莉森：这确实是近期的一个热门话题，人们的关注也不是没有道理的。李•米勒与他的女儿杰西卡•米勒（房地产高管）共同出版了一本新书——《女性成功谈判指南》（A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating）。他认为，许多女性不愿意讨价还价，限制了自身的发展。

    米勒表示：“事情本不该如此。”米勒在哥伦比亚商学院（Columbia Business School）教授谈判课程。他的公司谈判网（NegotiationPlus）的培训客户包括美国运通公司（American Express）、美国银行（Bank of America）、戴尔公司（Dell），以及全美职业橄榄球联盟（the National Football League）等。

    尽管在目前，从事同样工作的女性比男性的收入平均低20%，但米勒表示：“对于学会谈判技巧的部分女性来说，这个统计数据却是完全相反的。”他指出，近期美国的人口普查数据显示，主要大城市22到30岁的单身女性收入比同一年龄段的男性高出8%。

    普华永道（PriceWaterhouseCoopers）的执行董事詹尼佛•艾琳表示：“颇具讽刺意味的是，女性在某些方面更善于交际，一旦她们愿意坐到谈判桌前，她们就会成为优秀的谈判人员；但最大的障碍往往就在于你得说服她们去尝试。”

    大量学术研究也证明了这种说法。比如，卡耐基-梅隆大学（Carnegie-Mellon）的教授琳达•巴布科克曾要求男性和女性从一组比喻中挑选一个来形容他们对谈判的感觉，其中男性选择最多的是“赢得一场球赛”；而大部分女性的选择则是“去看牙医。”

    巴布科克的研究发现，观念上的巨大差异有助于解释为何男性谈判的频率是女性的四倍。艾琳表示：“男性更倾向于认为许多情况可以通过谈判解决，他们甚至会主动寻找机会进行谈判；而女性则恰恰相反，即使谈判的机会近在眼前，她们也往往视而不见。”

    为了缩小这一差距，今年春天，普华永道推出了一个关于谈判与性别的培训课程，供所有15,000名女性员工在线学习，并将在今年就这一话题在其美国的所有分公司进行深入的讨论。培训课程主要的亮点如下：

    练习提问。与其他技能类似，提问的技巧一样可以熟能生巧。艾琳建议：“把谈判当作一次常规的谈话，而不是类似要求加薪一样重大而不寻常的事件。从小事开始练习，比如委托日常工作任务、变更截止日期等，慢慢地就能更加适应这个过程。”

    假装在代表其他人询问，从而为自己的要求找到充分的理由。哈佛大学（Harvard）教授汉娜•瑞利•鲍尔斯通过研究发现，许多女性在为自己提要求时，会觉得自己“贪婪或自私”。但男性却没有类似的顾虑。

    “所以，当你准备提出要求时，想象自己是在代表团队或同事。你该如何替他们提出要求？哪些支持数据最有说服力？”更客观地看待这个问题，可以帮你走出死胡同。

    设定更高的目标。李•米勒表示：“大多数谈判最终往往无法达到最初预想的结果。如果你要求的太少，那你注定只能得到很少。”这一点需要牢记。

    在普华永道的课程中，西蒙斯学院（Simmons College）的教授、网络与辅导专家史黛西•布莱克•比尔德讲述了在她职业早期的一则轶事。当时她正在准备谈判新职位的入职条件，她告诉自己的导师，她只打算提两个要求。导师却连声说不。他说：“我给你列出了18个要求，你一定要坚持。但最终你可能只能谈成一半。”

    然而，导师的清单却让布莱克•比尔德犹豫不决，因为这些要求涵盖了从办公室的大小、停车位的位置到班级学生数量方方面面。不过，最终她还是提出了这18项要求。果然，只有9项得到了满足。

    扩展社交网络。艾琳认为，布莱克•比尔德的故事证明了很重要的一点，即“你不必独自面对。”与信任的人一起讨论，听取他们的建议，谈判将更富有成效。“投资人际关系是最重要的长期谈判策略之一。”

    在谈判过程中，许多女性与生俱来的同情心是一把双刃剑，普华永道课程和米勒新书都强调了这个观点。

    艾琳表示：“女性通常会考虑，对方怎么看待当前的情况？该怎么做能让对方高兴？女性可以善用这一特点，将其转化成谈判的优势，关键就在于把自身的利益与组织的利益结合起来。”

    或者，正如李•米勒所解释的那样：“同情心就是理解他人的需求，但并不一定要去满足他们要求，更不能以牺牲自己的利益去满足他人的需求。”他认为，避免他所说的“同情心陷阱”，对于帮助女性成长为强势的谈判专家大有好处。

    翻译：汪皓

    Dear Annie:I've been following the recent debate about whether women need to improve their negotiating skills and, if so, how. This interests me because I suspect that, if I want to take my career to the next level, I'm going to have to start asking for more of what I believe I've earned, rather than just accepting whatever comes along. Can you recommend any resources for learning to be a better negotiator? —Alison in Atlanta

    Dear Alison:This is indeed a hot topic lately, and for good reason. Lee Miller, co-author (with his daughter, real estate executive Jessica Miller) of a new book called A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating, believes that a reluctance to haggle is holding many women back.

    "It doesn't have to be that way," says Miller, who teaches courses on negotiation at Columbia Business School. His firm, NegotiationPlus, counts among its coaching clients American Express (AXP), Bank of America (BAC), Dell (DELL) and the National Football League.

    Although women now earn, on average, 20% less than men in the same jobs, Miller says, "for some women who have learned to negotiate, that statistic has been completely reversed." He points to recent U.S. Census data showing that single women aged 22 to 30 in major metropolitan areas now earn 8% more than their male peers.

    "The irony is that women have been socialized in certain ways that make them quite good negotiators, if you can get them to do it," observes Jennifer Allyn, a managing director at PriceWaterhouse Coopers. "The biggest hurdle is usually persuading them to try."

    Copious academic research bears that out. Consider: When Carnegie-Mellon professor Linda Babcock asked men and women to choose from a list of metaphors to describe how they feel about the prospect of negotiating, the men's top pick was "winning a ball game." The women's: "Going to the dentist."

    Those vastly different perceptions help explain why, Babcock's research found, men negotiate four times more often than women do. "Men tend to see more situations as negotiable. They look for opportunities to negotiate," says Allyn. "Women, by contrast, often don't see opportunities that are right in front of them."

    In an attempt to close the gap, PriceWaterhouseCoopers launched a training course on negotiation and gender this spring, available online to all 15,000 of its female employees, and is conducting in-depth discussions on the topic at its offices across the U.S. for the rest of this year. A few highlights:

    Practice asking.Making requests and proposing changes, a skill like any other, gets easier the more you do it. "Think of negotiating as an ongoing conversation, rather than just a big, rare event like asking for a raise," Allyn suggests. "If you practice on small stuff, like delegating day-to-day tasks or requesting a change in a deadline, you'll be more comfortable with the process."

    Build your case by pretending you're asking on someone else's behalf. Harvard professor Hannah Riley Bowles found in her research that many women regard asking for anything for themselves as "greedy or selfish. But men have no such reservations," notes Allyn.

    "So, when you're getting ready to make a request, imagine that you're doing so on behalf of your team or a colleague. How would you present the case for them? What supporting data would be most compelling?" Taking this more objective view can help you get out of your own way.

    Aim high.Bear in mind that "in most negotiations, there is an expectation that where you start is not where you will end up," says Lee Miller. "If you ask for too little, you can be sure that's what you will get."

    In the PriceWaterhouse Coopers course, Stacey Blake-Beard, a professor at Simmons College and an expert on networks and mentoring, tells an anecdote from early in her own career. While preparing to discuss the terms of a new position, she told her mentor she planned to ask for just two things. "No! No!," he said. "Here are 18 things you should insist on. You'll probably get nine of them."

    Blake-Beard balked at the list he gave her, which covered everything from the size of her office to the location of her parking space to the number of students in her classes. But she made all 18 requests anyway. She got nine.

    Expand your network.Blake-Beard's story illustrates an important point, Allyn says: "You don't have to go it alone." Brainstorming with people you trust and getting their advice can make you a far more effective negotiator. "Investing in relationships is one of the most important long-term negotiation strategies there is."

    One common theme emphasized in both PriceWaterouse Cooper's course and the Millers' book is that many women's ingrained talent for empathy can be a double-edged sword.

    "Women are always thinking of how the other side views the situation and what will make the other person happy," Allyn observes. "You can use that to your advantage in negotiations. The key is to connect what's good for you with what's good for the organization."

    Or, as Lee Miller puts it, "Empathy is about understanding other people's needs, not necessarily about giving them what they want -- especially at the expense of getting what you want." Avoiding what he calls "the empathy trap" could, he believes, go a long way toward turning more women into powerhouse negotiators.