离婚礼仪指南

    自1789年以来，自诩为“英国顶级礼仪与举止专家”的德布雷特出版公司（Debrett's）就一直出版各种权威礼仪指南，教导人们如何机智、有教养并沉着地处理各种社交问题。

    现在，这家出版公司又瞄准了人生中一个重大的难题：离婚。

    《德布雷特文明离婚指南》（Debrett’s Guide to Civilised Separation）一书将于2月29日问世。这本书由Mishcon de Reya律师事务所的家庭法律部编撰，探讨了离婚这个格外充满火药味的话题。这家律师事务所总部位于伦敦，是一家欧洲法律机构。（虽然这本新书并没有不知分寸地乱说，但Mishcon de Reya事务所确实在威尔士王妃离婚案中担任了戴安娜王妃的法律代表。）

    这本装帧精美的平装本共61页，封面是一只面无表情的爱情鸟正在飞离它那面无表情的前任“爱侣”。Mishcon de Reya事务所的律师们一直站在必要的距离之外观察离婚这个情绪化的过程。他们在书中根据大量的观察，给出了富有同情心但又异常冷静的建议。美国人或许会对这种教授礼仪的概念不屑一顾，不过这本书实际上只是试图提供一些合理的建议，帮助读者在这个让人倍感煎熬的过程中实现最高的效率，以及最大程度地降低对孩子的伤害。律师们指出，遵循书中的建议也可以让人们省下一笔钱，不用花冤枉钱去资讯按小时收费的律师；正如罗伯特•路易斯•斯蒂文森曾说过的：“体谅是最出色、最便宜的律师。”

    Mishcon de Reya事务所离婚部门的负责人桑德拉•戴维斯在一次采访中表示，书中的建议当然是“人们梦寐以求的”，“因为离婚必然具有非常巨大的破坏力。人们有时候难免情绪低落，也无法拿出极佳的自制力来积极应对所有的情况。但可以肯定的是，如果离婚牵扯到小孩，能否保持共同抚养的关系是非常重要的一点。”

    Mishcon de Reya事务所的纽约地区家庭法律合伙人迈克尔•斯塔特曼在一次采访中称，保障孩子们的情绪健康不仅是为了孩子们好，同时也是明智的理财策略。他解释道，事情搞得一团糟之后再做补救需要花钱，但合作却能省下这笔的费用。譬如下面这种情况：（因为处理不善）“孩子开始出现注意力不集中、容易分心、焦虑等现象，（做父母的只得心急火燎地）带他们去看治疗师和心理辅导师。”。

    这本书的建议涉及范围很广，也很实用，包括：如何告诉孩子父母要离婚的消息；出席法庭时穿什么，在法庭上的行为举止应该注意什么问题；如何以及在哪里进行探视交接；如何处理离婚后男孩的受诫礼、婚礼以及葬礼；如何从头再来，投入新的恋情，等等。

    Since 1789 the Debrett's publishing house, which describes itself as "Britain's leading experts on manners and behaviour," has been offering authoritative guides on how to handle life's social curveballs with tact, breeding, and aplomb.

    Now it has addressed one of life's high, inside fastballs: divorce.

    Its volume on this unusually bellicose subject was authored by the family law department of Mishcon de Reya, a London-based, transatlantic law firm. The resulting collaboration, Debrett's Guide to Civilised Separation, debuts February 29. (Though the book is never so indiscreet as to say so, Mishcon represented Diana, Princess of Wales, in connection with her divorce.)

    In this handsome, 61-page paperback—the cover shows a poker-faced lovebird taking flight from its poker-faced ex-mate—the Mishcon lawyers provide compassionate but clear-eyed advice about the emotional process they've observed so many times from a healthy distance. Though Americans may bridle at the notion of being taught manners, the book really just aims to give sound advice for getting through the ordeal with maximum dispatch and minimum damage to children. Following its advice could save you some billable hours, too, the solicitors point out, since, as Robert Louis Stevenson once observed, "Compromise is the best and cheapest lawyer."

    The book's advice is, of course, "aspirational," says Sandra Davis, the head of Mishcon's divorce unit, in an interview, "because inevitably divorce is a very destructive event and people don't always feel at their best nor can they react positively to every situation with a great degree of control. But certainly when there are children involved it's important to be able to maintain a co-parenting relationship."

    While safeguarding the children's emotional health is its own reward, it happens to be sound financial policy, too, notes Mishcon's New York-based family law partner, Michael Stutman, in an interview. Cooperation can save expenses on "all the collaterals" of "unwinding the mess that you've made," he explains, like when "you start trotting the children off to therapists and tutors because they're not paying attention, because they're distracted, because they're anxious."

    The book's advice is wide-ranging and practical, including suggestions about how to tell the children; how to dress and behave in court; how and where to conduct visitational handovers; how to deal with post-divorce bar mitzvahs, weddings, and funerals; getting back on your feet romantically, and more.