亲爱的安妮：妈妈寄给我您的一篇专栏文章，其中提到了上司推卸责任的问题，不过我的问题有些不太一样。我八月份找到一份新工作，总体上我比较喜欢这份工作。只是有一点，我的上司每当面对压力的时候（几乎大部分时间），就爱对同事大吼大叫。当然，他并不是辱骂、侮辱下属，只不过他非常容易激动，而且说话声音很大。

    对此我很不习惯，这种情况让我不知所措。每当有人对我大声叫喊的时候，我总是无法集中精力，而且不能明智地回答问题。包括我在内，他一共只有两名下属，另外一位已经在公司工作很长时间了，每当上司对他吼叫的时候，他会对他说：“等你冷静下来给我打电话，我们到时候再谈。”然后就离开房间。我可不敢那么做，但我也不想对他喊叫。那么，我应该怎么办？您有什么其他建议吗？——Q.P.

亲爱的Q.P.：你的同事似乎掌握了诀窍。在任何谈判中——没错，这种情况也是谈判的一种——随时可以离开的一方握有最大的主动权，即使只是短暂的离开。斯蒂芬•P•科恩说：“有人对你吼叫时，效果最差的应对方法便是以牙还牙，用大声叫喊来还击。如果一方情绪激动，而另一方能保持冷静，那么冷静的一方就掌握了更多优势。”而技巧在于如何利用这种优势。

    科恩是咨询公司谈判技巧公司（The Negotiating Skills Company）的总裁，并著有一本新书《实用谈判技巧》（The Practical Negotiator: How to Argue Your Point, Plead Your Case, and Prevail in Any Situation）。他表示，有的人会故意用大声叫喊作为威吓他人的策略，而你的上司听起来似乎“已经失控，需要好好学习如何应对压力。”

    “他可能正为工作之外的私人问题焦头烂额，结果影响了工作中的表现。但你没有责任做他的治疗师。”——所以，如果你有这样的打算，趁早放弃。

    相反，科恩建议你尝试一下下面的策略：

    1. 保持沉默。科恩表示：“一言不发地坐在那里，脸上面无表情，或者带着揶揄的表情，是一种很好的方式，可以表达出某人所说的话或者大声叫喊的说话方式令你感到厌恶。”等到他冷静下来，不再叫喊的时候，再继续你们的讨论。

    2. 平静地解释他的叫喊为什么令你烦恼。如果你感觉自己不得不说出来，可以这样表达：“每当有人对我大声叫喊的时候，我就很难集中精力。我感觉我们并不是在沟通。”指出问题令你的上司感到尴尬，从而迫使他降低音量的可能性不大，但即便如此，表达出自己的想法，可以让你不会再像以前那样手足无措。

    3. 轻声说话。科恩发现非常有效的一种方式是，“用非常轻柔缓慢的声音说话。让他听你说，甚至在关键内容上，他会要求你提高音量。”这种方法之所以有效，有两个原因。首先，可以分散对方对压力的关注，使他将注意力转移到真正需要关注的地方，也就是你们正在讨论的内容；其次，双方声音之间的强烈对比也会让他降低音量跟你说话。

Dear Annie: My mom sent me your column about working for a manager who blames everybody else for his mistakes, but I have a somewhat different problem. I started a new job in August, and for the most part I really like it here. The thing is, I report to someone who yells when he's under pressure (which is most of the time). He's not being abusive or insulting, he's just extremely emotional and loud.

    I'm not used to this, and it leaves me dumbstruck. I can't concentrate well enough to answer intelligently when someone is hollering at me. The only other person who reports to this manager, and who has been here a long time, responds by saying, "Call me when you've calmed down and we'll talk," and then leaves the room. I don't quite have the nerve to do that, and I don't want to yell back, so can you suggest some other ways to handle this? — Quieter, Please

Dear Q.P.: It seems your colleague is on to something. In any negotiation -- and make no mistake, this situation qualifies as one -- the person who is ready to walk away, even if only for the moment, holds most of the power. "The least effective thing you can do is fight emotion with emotion by yelling back at someone who's yelling at you," says Steven P. Cohen. "If one party is emotional and the other stays calm, the unemotional one has far more leverage." The trick is learning how to use it.

    Cohen is president of a consulting firm called The Negotiating Skills Company and author of a new book, The Practical Negotiator: How to Argue Your Point, Plead Your Case, and Prevail in Any Situation. He notes that, while some people use yelling as a deliberate strategy to intimidate others, your boss sounds more like "someone who's out of control and needs help learning how to cope with stress.

    "He may also be dealing with personal problems, outside the office, that affect his behavior at work. But it's not your job to be his therapist" -- so, if you're ever tempted to go there, don't.

    Instead, Cohen recommends you try one or more of these tactics:

    1. Say nothing. "Sitting there with a poker face or a quizzical expression, in absolute silence, is sometimes a good way to communicate that what someone just said -- or, in this case, how loudly he said it -- is offensive to you," Cohen notes. Wait until he runs out of steam and stops shouting before you continue the discussion.

    2. Calmly explain why his yelling bothers you. If you feel you have to speak, you could say something like, "When someone yells at me like this, it's very hard for me to concentrate. I feel as if we're really not communicating." There's an outside chance that pointing out the problem will embarrass him into lowering his voice, but even if not, having expressed what you're thinking will make you feel less like a deer in his headlights.

    3. Talk very softly. An approach that Cohen has often seen work is to "talk in a very soft voice, slowly," he says. "Make him listen to you, even to the point where he asks you to speak a little louder." This can be effective for two reasons. First, it distracts the yeller from whatever is stressing him out and shifts his attention to the content of the discussion, where it belongs; and, second, the glaring contrast between your voice and his might cause him to talk to you more quietly.