两口子怎样谈钱才能不伤感情

    政治、性、健康、宗教或金钱：如果有人在宴会上说起这些东西，哪个最有可能让你马上去洗手间（或者至少大跌眼镜）？

    据英国金融咨询公司德维尔集团（deVere Group）的一份最新研究显示，60%的时间里金钱都占据首位。现在这项研究开始面向全球展开（除美国外，新增了英国、香港、阿联酋和南非），调查对象重点针对富裕人群（可投资资金超过150万美元）。因此过去几天来，我在美国本土搞了个小范围调研——请我每周免费专栏的读者参与。而在@JeanChatzky或Twitter的@FortuneMagazine上关注我的读者也参加了此次调研。

    调研表明，性是社交场合中最能让我们起鸡皮疙瘩的话题。金钱排在第二位。至于说健康，我们可能整天都在聊这个话题【也许这就说明了，为什么我继父管他与自己的“罗密欧们”（ROMEOs，出去吃饭的退休老男人）午餐的头十分钟叫管风琴独奏（organ recital）】。

    除了前面最初的那个排名，我的受访者中60%的人（他们多数在40岁到60岁之间，可投资资产都在十几万美元到几十万美元）承认自己会对金钱避而不谈（如果您想参加调查，可在此处加入）。参加宴会的时候聊起这个没什么问题——但如果跟自己的配偶或重要关系人、孩子（不管是未成年还是成年）及父母也不谈钱，那就会惹麻烦了。

    不谈就表示在积极话题（十年后我们想做什么？）及消极话题（你信用卡到底欠了多少钱？）上都搞拖延战术。这也就是为什么我们总会看到有些夫妻在何时（先不谈何地及如何）退休这个问题上总没法达成一致。这也是有些婚姻会在经济上翻船的原因之一。而且，它还可能会让我们的孩子不断重蹈覆辙。

    理财治疗协会（Financial Therapy Association）主席里克•卡勒称：“不幸的是，我们最亲近的人也是最难沟通的人。”为什么会这样？我们怎样才能改变这种局面？接下来我们逐一解答。

    卡勒称，有两种情绪，也就是羞耻及罪恶感，会让我们对自己的财务状况避而不谈。他说：“如果我们挣得不够多，或是身价不怎么样，这都会让人觉得丢脸。而如果挣得太多，或是太有钱，又会有罪恶感。”有趣的是，这两种情绪都和具体数字无关，而是和我们在自己公司的地位（或是自认为的地位）有直接关系。

    从我的调研来看，第三个因素——隐私，也就是和别人无关的事——也有较大的影响。金融心理学家布莱德•克隆兹表示，他的研究证明，那些更有钱的人既喜欢搞得神神秘秘，心事也比较重。他解释说：“这种人更杞人忧天，也更担心自己被人占便宜。”而这种心理都会让他们更为自闭。

    他表示，要克服这种心理只需要深入探讨有关钱的话题。可以从与配偶或是最亲近的人开始谈起。他说：“只要你开始说，就是一种倾述，这也是人们在焦虑时接受心理疗法时的做法。如果你深信只要谈钱就会导致离婚，或者会让别人觉得你缺乏教养，那克服这种焦虑唯一的办法就是坚持探讨这个话题。”别先谈具体金额。可以先说说你的目标和担忧。在金钱这个问题上，母亲是怎么教你的？你又从父亲那儿学到了什么？克隆兹说：“‘你为什么在X上头花了这么多钱？’平时说起这样的问题大家往往动不动就会大吵一架，而（我们建议的）这种做法会带给你不一样的感觉。”

    最后，要知道专业人士谈起这些话题时也会比较挠头，所以你大可松一口气。卡勒曾是一个八人理财规划师小组成员，有一次这个小组决定聊聊他们上一年挣了多少钱，自己的身价又是多少。结果，“我们花了八小时才聊完”，他说。最后，八人中有七人终于知道——这也让他们很宽慰——他们的收入水平基本都差不多。

    而实际上，丈夫和我要聊这些话题是要定好时间的，因为我——而不是他——会回避这种沟通。不过可以跟大家分享的是：每次聊完，我都会觉得有更大的安全感，以及如释重负的轻松感。（财富中文网）

    译者：清远

    Politics, sex, health, religion, or money: Which of these would make you most likely to head for the loo (or at least top off your glass) if it came up at a dinner party?

    According to a new study by the deVere Group, a financial advisory firm in the U.K. -- money tops the list 60% of the time. Now, this study was international (the U.K., Hong Kong, United Arab Emirates, and South Africa in addition to the U.S.) and skewed to wealthy individuals (with more than $1.5 million to invest). So, over the past few days, I did a little pure stateside research -- asking readers to my free weekly newsletter to weigh in. Some of you who follow me@JeanChatzky or @FortuneMagazine on Twitter took my survey as well.

    Turns out sex is the topic that makes our skin crawl most in a social setting. Money came in at No. 2. Health? We could talk about that all day (perhaps explaining why my stepfather calls the first 10 minutes of lunch with his ROMEOs -- Retired Old Men Eating Out -- the organ recital.)

    The initial ranking aside, 60% of my respondents (most of whom were age 40 to 60 with investible assets in the low to mid six-figures) cop to avoiding conversations about money. (If you'd like to weigh in, you can do so here.) That's not a problem when the talk actually is happening at a dinner party -- but when you're avoiding talking to your spouse or significant other, kids (adolescent or adult), and parents, it spells trouble.

    Not talking means kicking the can down the road on positive topics (What do we want to be doing 10 years from now?) as well as negative ones. (How much credit card debt do you really have?) That's why we end up with couples who can't agree upon when, let alone where or how, they want to retire. It's one reason marriages fall apart over finances. And it makes us more likely to raise kids who perpetuate the cycle.

    "Unfortunately, the people who are closest to you are also the hardest to talk to," says Rick Kahler, president of the Financial Therapy Association. So why does this happen? And how can we rewrite the script? Let's take those one at a time.

    Two emotions -- shame and guilt -- drive us away from conversations about our finances, Kahler says. "There's shame that we aren't making enough or aren't worth enough," he says, "and guilt if we perceive we are making or have too much." Neither emotion is triggered by a particular number, interestingly, but by where we stand (or think we stand) based on the company we're in.

    According to my study, a third factor -- privacy, i.e. it's nobody's business -- also looms large in the equation. Financial psychologist Brad Klontz says his research confirms that those who have more money are both more secretive -- and more anxious. "They're more worried about the future and more worried that they might be taken advantage of," he notes, both of which can lead to insulating themselves even more.

    The only way to get beyond it is to just dive in, he says. Begin with your spouse or the person closest to you. "What you're talking about is exposure, that's what you do in psychotherapy when someone is very anxious about something. If you have belief that if you talk about money you'll get divorced, or people will think you're rude, the only way to get through anxiety is to practice doing it." And don't start with the numbers. Start with talking about your goals and your fears. What did your mother teach you about money? What did you learn from your dad? Notes Klontz: "It gives you a different experience than the typical drive-by fight about why you spent X."

    Finally, take solace in the fact that even pros have a tough time with these conversations. Kahler was once part of a group of eight financial planners that decided to have a conversation about how much they made the prior year and how much they were worth. "It took eight hours," he says, noting that at the end seven of the eight realized -- to their relief -- they were very much in the same ballpark.

    My husband and I actually schedule these conversations because I -- not he -- will otherwise avoid. One thing I can tell you: Once the conversations are over, there's always a greater sense of security. And relief.