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母亲因阿尔茨海默症去世,美国地产女王担心自己会患同样的病

BETH GREENFIELD
2024-10-06

“几个月前,我在冰箱里发现了我的手机。”

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芭芭拉·科克兰开始公开谈论失去母亲的经历。图片来源:JOHN LAMPARSKI—GETTY IMAGES

当芭芭拉·科克兰年满70岁时,她为自己举办了一场盛大的“假葬礼”。

“大家都以为这是一个宣传噱头,”这位精明的房地产大亨兼《创智赢家》的制片人和联合主演如今说道。“我这么做只是为了吓吓我的朋友们。他们确实被吓到了。如果他们有那么一瞬间以为我真的去世了,那就值了。”

正因为如此,科克兰在今年春天庆祝她75岁生日时,选择了更为低调的方式:她与一群朋友在开曼群岛度过了几天,而朋友们为给她惊喜,全部打扮成她的样子,仅此而已。“我想不出(比假葬礼)更好的点子,”她承认道。“毕竟那是在跟自己较劲!听起来没有什么主意能像那次那么有趣了。”

然而,不要误以为她的幽默感意味着她能坦然面对变老。不可否认,她非常爱美,尽管她用媒体事业来为自己做过的三次整容手术辩解(“每十年一次!”),并且毫不避讳地分享这一经历,但她相信即使没有这些职业需求,她也会选择做手术。

“我对自我形象的认知很大程度上来自于我在镜子里看到的自己,”她对《财富》杂志表示,“如果我看起来精神焕发、心情愉快,一整天都会感觉良好。”

除此之外,她还有一个更为严重的担忧:是否会患上阿尔茨海默症。

“几个月前,我在冰箱里发现了我的手机。”她坦言道。她当时感到十分害怕,尽管医生的一系列认知测试确认她并没有患病,但考虑到她的两位好朋友、祖母以及她的母亲佛罗伦斯都曾罹患阿尔茨海默症,她对这种疾病的恐惧是可以理解的。她的母亲12年前因阿尔茨海默症去世,享年88岁。

如今,科克兰刚刚从深深的悲痛中走出来,她亲眼目睹了母亲的“消失”。这个过程长达九年,其中近一半的时间尤其艰难。她渴望分享自己的经历,希望能够帮助到他人。

“我想我花了很长时间才消化这一切,”她说道。

应对母亲的阿尔茨海默症

科克兰回忆,母亲的病症最初是从一些小事开始的,如健忘、丢失眼镜。但后来,母亲甚至连最要好的朋友的名字也记不住了。

她真正“惊慌失措”,是有一次母亲在她弟弟的公寓过夜后醒来,“竟然不知道自己身在何处”。

正是在那时,科克兰和她的兄弟姐妹们一起组成了一个护理小组。他们共有10个兄弟姐妹,都是由父母在新泽西的一个两居室里抚养长大的。科克兰提到,她的弟弟T率先报名参加了一门关于如何照顾阿尔茨海默症患者的课程。

“他教会了我们如何照顾母亲,我们也都达成了一致,”她说道。“他教我们如何生活在母亲的现实中。”所以当母亲大喊床底下有蛇时,兄弟姐妹们不会说“没有蛇”,而是会走进房间,找到那条“蛇”,然后“把蛇打出来”。当母亲问起已经去世的父亲时,兄弟姐妹们也会采取类似的方式应对。

“我们花了很多时间告诉她,‘对不起,妈妈,爸爸已经去世了,’然后她又会重新陷入失去父亲的悲痛,”科克兰说道。“直到有一天,T打电话给我们,说‘爸爸正在外面热车。’从那以后,我们都对母亲说‘爸爸在外面热车’。”有一段时间,母亲甚至抱着一个洋娃娃,似乎在她的退行中找到了快乐。兄弟姐妹们也接受了她的这个行为。

但看着母亲渐渐远去,科克兰回忆说,“那是一种无比的悲伤。因为作为母亲,她对我们来说就是一个充满爱的存在。”

依靠家庭支持

在这个过程中,家人间的相互支持至关重要。虽然很多兄弟姐妹在照顾年迈父母时,往往因为有些人承担的责任更多而发生争执或心生怨恨,但科克兰表示,他们家在分配任务时还是比较公平的。

“我的职责是支付所有的费用,”她说道。她每周还会和弟弟一起去看望母亲,而她的一个姐姐住在母亲家对面,随时待命。另一位姐姐是临终关怀护士,在母亲进入临终关怀时负责监督她的护理。但她补充道:“有一个兄弟实在无法接受这个现实,他无法去看望母亲。”

有研究发现,女儿照顾年迈父母的时间约是儿子的两倍。尽管照顾年迈父母的责任通常落在女儿身上,但科克兰特别称赞了她的弟弟T,认为他在家中起到了领导作用。而她认为,这与他的性取向有关。

“我非常喜欢同性恋男性,因为他们更加敏感,”她说道。她还分享了一个故事:她的弟弟甚至会顺应母亲的幻觉,假装自己是已故的父亲。“他张开双臂,像我父亲以前一样说,‘亲爱的弗洛莉’,母亲以为他是埃德,以为父亲回来了,他们还会伴着老式音乐跳舞。这让人很伤感。”

作为“夹心一代”的年长成员,科克兰在母亲患病期间,还在抚养两个孩子。她46岁时通过试管婴儿(使用姐姐的卵子)生下一个孩子,56岁时和丈夫比尔·希金斯又收养了一个孩子。而她表示,这些孩子更多是支持来源,而非额外的负担。“孩子们的心态更开放,他们不会因此感到沮丧。他们很乐意去看望外婆,”她提到自己的儿子和女儿时说道,他们在外婆去世时分别是18岁和8岁。

回顾过去,科克兰希望自己在母亲去世时能够少一些坚忍,并建议其他人不要像她那样。

“我经历了很多情感上和身体上的挑战,才达到了我想要达到的目标,但我总觉得自己应该振作起来并坚持下去,这是一种能力,”她说道。“但我要说的是,照顾患阿尔茨海默症的母亲让我非常悲伤,特别是在最后四年我觉得自己有些抑郁。我或许应该去看心理医生。我想帮助照顾她,但同时也感到沉重和悲伤。家里的每个人都是这样。所以,我认为找一个支持者非常重要。”

如今,科克兰有几位朋友独自照顾患有阿尔茨海默症的父母,这让她感到十分惊讶。“现在有很多支持团体,”她说道。“比如戒酒匿名会(AA)。每个城市都有很多支持团体,大家可以聚在一起聊聊,这真的会让人感觉好很多。”她还推荐了线上资源RecognizeAlzheimersAgitation.com,这是她最近参与的一个宣传活动。

自母亲去世以来,科克兰在面对悲伤时也学到了很多。“好吧,一切都结束了。她安息了。她去了该去的地方,”她重复着那些常听到的安慰话语。“但我没有那种感觉,”她说道,时至今日,她仍旧思念着母亲。(财富中文网)

翻译:刘进龙

审校:汪皓

当芭芭拉·科克兰年满70岁时,她为自己举办了一场盛大的“假葬礼”。

“大家都以为这是一个宣传噱头,”这位精明的房地产大亨兼《创智赢家》的制片人和联合主演如今说道。“我这么做只是为了吓吓我的朋友们。他们确实被吓到了。如果他们有那么一瞬间以为我真的去世了,那就值了。”

正因为如此,科克兰在今年春天庆祝她75岁生日时,选择了更为低调的方式:她与一群朋友在开曼群岛度过了几天,而朋友们为给她惊喜,全部打扮成她的样子,仅此而已。“我想不出(比假葬礼)更好的点子,”她承认道。“毕竟那是在跟自己较劲!听起来没有什么主意能像那次那么有趣了。”

然而,不要误以为她的幽默感意味着她能坦然面对变老。不可否认,她非常爱美,尽管她用媒体事业来为自己做过的三次整容手术辩解(“每十年一次!”),并且毫不避讳地分享这一经历,但她相信即使没有这些职业需求,她也会选择做手术。

“我对自我形象的认知很大程度上来自于我在镜子里看到的自己,”她对《财富》杂志表示,“如果我看起来精神焕发、心情愉快,一整天都会感觉良好。”

除此之外,她还有一个更为严重的担忧:是否会患上阿尔茨海默症。

“几个月前,我在冰箱里发现了我的手机。”她坦言道。她当时感到十分害怕,尽管医生的一系列认知测试确认她并没有患病,但考虑到她的两位好朋友、祖母以及她的母亲佛罗伦斯都曾罹患阿尔茨海默症,她对这种疾病的恐惧是可以理解的。她的母亲12年前因阿尔茨海默症去世,享年88岁。

如今,科克兰刚刚从深深的悲痛中走出来,她亲眼目睹了母亲的“消失”。这个过程长达九年,其中近一半的时间尤其艰难。她渴望分享自己的经历,希望能够帮助到他人。

“我想我花了很长时间才消化这一切,”她说道。

应对母亲的阿尔茨海默症

科克兰回忆,母亲的病症最初是从一些小事开始的,如健忘、丢失眼镜。但后来,母亲甚至连最要好的朋友的名字也记不住了。

她真正“惊慌失措”,是有一次母亲在她弟弟的公寓过夜后醒来,“竟然不知道自己身在何处”。

正是在那时,科克兰和她的兄弟姐妹们一起组成了一个护理小组。他们共有10个兄弟姐妹,都是由父母在新泽西的一个两居室里抚养长大的。科克兰提到,她的弟弟T率先报名参加了一门关于如何照顾阿尔茨海默症患者的课程。

“他教会了我们如何照顾母亲,我们也都达成了一致,”她说道。“他教我们如何生活在母亲的现实中。”所以当母亲大喊床底下有蛇时,兄弟姐妹们不会说“没有蛇”,而是会走进房间,找到那条“蛇”,然后“把蛇打出来”。当母亲问起已经去世的父亲时,兄弟姐妹们也会采取类似的方式应对。

“我们花了很多时间告诉她,‘对不起,妈妈,爸爸已经去世了,’然后她又会重新陷入失去父亲的悲痛,”科克兰说道。“直到有一天,T打电话给我们,说‘爸爸正在外面热车。’从那以后,我们都对母亲说‘爸爸在外面热车’。”有一段时间,母亲甚至抱着一个洋娃娃,似乎在她的退行中找到了快乐。兄弟姐妹们也接受了她的这个行为。

但看着母亲渐渐远去,科克兰回忆说,“那是一种无比的悲伤。因为作为母亲,她对我们来说就是一个充满爱的存在。”

依靠家庭支持

在这个过程中,家人间的相互支持至关重要。虽然很多兄弟姐妹在照顾年迈父母时,往往因为有些人承担的责任更多而发生争执或心生怨恨,但科克兰表示,他们家在分配任务时还是比较公平的。

“我的职责是支付所有的费用,”她说道。她每周还会和弟弟一起去看望母亲,而她的一个姐姐住在母亲家对面,随时待命。另一位姐姐是临终关怀护士,在母亲进入临终关怀时负责监督她的护理。但她补充道:“有一个兄弟实在无法接受这个现实,他无法去看望母亲。”

有研究发现,女儿照顾年迈父母的时间约是儿子的两倍。尽管照顾年迈父母的责任通常落在女儿身上,但科克兰特别称赞了她的弟弟T,认为他在家中起到了领导作用。而她认为,这与他的性取向有关。

“我非常喜欢同性恋男性,因为他们更加敏感,”她说道。她还分享了一个故事:她的弟弟甚至会顺应母亲的幻觉,假装自己是已故的父亲。“他张开双臂,像我父亲以前一样说,‘亲爱的弗洛莉’,母亲以为他是埃德,以为父亲回来了,他们还会伴着老式音乐跳舞。这让人很伤感。”

作为“夹心一代”的年长成员,科克兰在母亲患病期间,还在抚养两个孩子。她46岁时通过试管婴儿(使用姐姐的卵子)生下一个孩子,56岁时和丈夫比尔·希金斯又收养了一个孩子。而她表示,这些孩子更多是支持来源,而非额外的负担。“孩子们的心态更开放,他们不会因此感到沮丧。他们很乐意去看望外婆,”她提到自己的儿子和女儿时说道,他们在外婆去世时分别是18岁和8岁。

回顾过去,科克兰希望自己在母亲去世时能够少一些坚忍,并建议其他人不要像她那样。

“我经历了很多情感上和身体上的挑战,才达到了我想要达到的目标,但我总觉得自己应该振作起来并坚持下去,这是一种能力,”她说道。“但我要说的是,照顾患阿尔茨海默症的母亲让我非常悲伤,特别是在最后四年我觉得自己有些抑郁。我或许应该去看心理医生。我想帮助照顾她,但同时也感到沉重和悲伤。家里的每个人都是这样。所以,我认为找一个支持者非常重要。”

如今,科克兰有几位朋友独自照顾患有阿尔茨海默症的父母,这让她感到十分惊讶。“现在有很多支持团体,”她说道。“比如戒酒匿名会(AA)。每个城市都有很多支持团体,大家可以聚在一起聊聊,这真的会让人感觉好很多。”她还推荐了线上资源RecognizeAlzheimersAgitation.com,这是她最近参与的一个宣传活动。

自母亲去世以来,科克兰在面对悲伤时也学到了很多。“好吧,一切都结束了。她安息了。她去了该去的地方,”她重复着那些常听到的安慰话语。“但我没有那种感觉,”她说道,时至今日,她仍旧思念着母亲。(财富中文网)

翻译:刘进龙

审校:汪皓

When Barbara Corcoran turned 70, she famously threw herself a mock funeral.

“Everybody thought it was a publicity stunt,” the puckish real estate mogul and Shark Tank producer/co-star says today. “I just did it to shock the shit out of my friends. And they were shocked. If they had one moment of thinking I was dead it was worth it.”

That’s why, for her 75th birthday this past spring, Corcoran, whose reported net worth is $100 million, tried something a little more staid: She spent a few days in the Cayman Islands with a group of friends—who all showed up dressed as her for a surprise—and left it at that. “I couldn’t think of a better idea [than the funeral],” she admits. “I mean, that was competing against myself! And nothing sounded like as much fun.”

Still, don’t mistake her good sense of humor to mean she’s at peace with getting older. She’s admittedly vain—and though she uses her media career to justify the three facelifts she’s had (“Every 10 years!”) and easily shares about, she believes she would’ve had them anyway.

“A lot of my self-image is what I see in the mirror,” she tells Fortune. “So if I’m looking fresh and happy, I feel good about myself the whole day.”

She also has a more serious preoccupation: that of developing Alzheimer’s disease.

“A couple of months ago, I found my phone in the freezer,” she admits. She was scared—and while a series of cognitive tests with her physician confirmed she does not have the disease, her fear of it is understandable, considering it has affected two of her good friends, her grandmother, and her mother, Florence, who died of Alzheimer’s 12 years ago at the age of 88.

Corcoran is just now coming out of a deep sadness around the experience of watching her mom disappear—a nine-year process that was very tough for about half of that time—and she’s eager to talk about it in case it could help others.

“I think it took a long time to process it,” she says.

Dealing with her mother’s Alzheimer’s

Her mom’s disease, she recalls, started with little things: forgetfulness, losing her glasses. But then she couldn’t remember her best friend’s name.

When she really “got alarmed,” she recalls, is when her mother woke up in her younger brother’s apartment after spending the night and “she didn’t know where she was.”

That’s when Corcoran and her siblings—all 10 of them, raised by their parents in a two-bedroom house in New Jersey—came together to form a care team. Her brother T, she says, led the way by signing up to take a course on how to care for people with Alzheimer’s.

“He taught all of us how to care for her and we all got on the same page,” she says. “He taught all of us to live in mom’s reality.” So when she would scream about there being a snake under her bed, for example, rather than saying, “No there’s not,” someone would go into the room, find the snake and “beat the hell out of it.” The siblings would react similarly when their mother asked for their father, who had died a few years before her illness.

“We spent time saying, ‘Oh, sorry mom, dad has passed away,’ and she’d go through all the mourning for him again,” Corcoran says. “Then T called us one day and he said, ‘Dad’s out warming up the car.’ So we all started saying to her, ‘Dad’s out warming up the car.’” For a time, her mother even carried around a baby doll, finding happiness in her regression. They went along with it.

But watching her fade away, Corcoran recalls, was “just very sad, more than anything else. Because she, as a mom to us, was a love bug.”

Relying on family support

Finding reinforcement in each other was crucial. While many siblings wind up fighting or dealing with resentments because some do more than others while caring for an elderly parent, Corcoran says they were pretty fair about splitting up the duties.

“My job was to pay for everything,” she says. She also visited weekly with her brother, while a sister lived across the street from their mom and remained on-call. Another sister was a hospice nurse, and got to oversee their mom’s care once she entered into hospice care. But, she adds, “There was one brother who just couldn’t take it. He couldn’t see my mother.”

While elderly parental caretaking so often falls on daughters—one study found that daughters provide about twice as many monthly hours of care as sons—Corcoran gives her brother T a lot of credit for taking the lead in the family. But that, she believes, is because he is gay.

“I love gay men, because they’re more sensitive,” she says, sharing that her brother would even go along with their mother’s delusion that he was their deceased father. “He held out his arms and said, ‘Florrie, baby,’ like my father used to. She thought he was Ed, that he was back, and he’d dance with her to old-fashioned music. That was sad.”

An older member of the sandwich generation, Corcoran was raising the kids she had at 46 (through IVF with a sister’s eggs) and at 56 (through adoption) with husband Bill Higgins throughout her mother’s illness—although she says they were more a source of support than additional stress. “Kids are more open minded and don’t get as depressed about it. They were not unhappy to go see grandmother,” she says about her son and daughter, who were 18 and 8 when she died.

Looking back, Corcoran wishes she had been a bit less stoic when going through the loss of her mother—and advises others not to follow her lead.

“I’ve been through a lot where it’s been extremely emotionally and physically challenging for me to get to where I want to go, but I always felt like I should shore myself up and get on with it. I think it’s a gift to have,” she says. “But I’ll tell you that Alzheimer’s with my mother was really—especially the last four years—I felt sad and I think I was partially depressed. I probably should’ve seen a psychologist. I wanted to help care for her, but I felt burdened and sad. Everybody in the family did. So I think getting somebody to hold your hand is key.”

Today, she has friends who are dealing with parents with Alzheimer’s all alone, which astounds her. “There are so many support groups out there,” she says. “It’s like AA, you know? There’s tons of support groups in every city. Get together and talk about it. That feels so good.” She recommends the online resource RecognizeAlzheimersAgitation.com, a campaign she’s recently partnered with.

Since her mother’s death, Corcoran has also learned a lot about grief. “OK, it’s over. She rests in peace. She’s where she’s supposed to be,” she says, repeating the platitudes she kept hearing from others. “But I didn’t feel it,” she says, still missing her today.

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