亲爱的安妮：我最近读到了一篇您的专栏文章，内容是如何巧妙利用关系网，同时保持好人缘。我最近就为您提到的这种“社交疲劳”而困扰不已。由于我曾经担任过几个颇为显要的职位，所以在行业内颇有名气，也认识不少业内人士，结果各类求助信息纷至沓来，希望我能够帮忙推荐（既有“面对面”的，也有在线方式），引荐或提供就业信息及建议等。

    我也希望能帮上忙，尤其是为那些花了很长时间找工作的人，但现在情况已经失去了控制。我是否有义务推荐他们？对于有些求助的人，我甚至都不了解他们的工作情况；而在我了解的人当中，有些人本身做得就不够好。我能不能只回复个别人的求助，同时又能确保我的社交关系网不被破坏？——万人迷先生

    亲爱的万人迷：首先来回答你的第一个问题：不，只要你不愿意，你就没有义务去给任何人提供推荐信。从法律上来讲，前雇主压根没有义务对任何推荐请求做出回应，大部分大公司的政策是，（可完全自主决定）只提供最少的信息，比如工作职位与受雇日期等。

    撇开法律规定不谈，你最大的难题在于，既要做出正确的选择，又要保证不被这些事情占据你全部的业余时间。

    高管求职网站TheLadders.com的创始人兼CEO马克•塞内德尔对此有自己的看法。他与你一样，也曾因为大量社交圈内的求助而困扰不已。他提供了以下四条建议：

    1. 设定时间限制。他强调：“其实，这也属于时间管理问题，就如同你能够拿出多少时间指导孩子的足球队，或者你每周能有几个小时做义工。答案可能是没空，或者10个小时，或者完全视自己的情况而定。但一定要提前确定自己愿意拿出的时间，并始终坚持这个既定的时限。”

    2. 把大部分时间和精力用在最感兴趣的交流上。为了使自己的投入物有所值，应保证双赢的社交关系。塞内德尔表示：“如果帮助他人能让自己也有所收获，就不会感觉筋疲力尽。其中有一点需要明确，你是喜欢与10个人每人聊10分钟，还是宁愿与更少的人进行更深入的讨论？了解自己的风格，可以协助确定自己的策略。”

    下面这个例子是塞内德尔的亲身经历：作为一家成功公司的创始人，他经常收到创业者的来信，向他征求意见。通常，为了将真诚求教的人和其他人区别开来，他会先向他们推荐一本书——由风险投资家杰西卡•利文斯顿编写的《创业者》（Founders at Work）。

    塞内德尔说：“如果他们愿意先读一读这本书，然后再回头来找我，我们就可以在同一层次上展开讨论，进行有益的思想交流。我发现，从他们身上我同样学到了不少东西。”

    3. 培养独立讨论，让自己脱身。这一方法可以充分利用互联网。塞内德尔称：“大多数情况下，征求意见的人面临相同的问题和担忧。如果能够在求职网站或在线社交网站中建立一个博客或讨论小组，你会发现，人们可以为彼此的问题给出有用的答复。当然，你也可以，而且也必须亲自参与其中，但不必始终耗在那里。”

    4. 不必为此感到焦虑。帮助他人的愿望值得赞扬，但如果无法在自己设定的时限内回复所有的请求，塞内德尔建议人们“不必因此感到愧疚。大家都知道你（肩负重任），忙得不可开交，毕竟，这也是他们希望获得你的推荐或建议的原因所在。”

    他建议，对于那些不论出于何种原因，必须回绝的请求，“可以在电子邮件中设定固定的回复，比如‘很抱歉，由于时间原因，本人无法处理您关于……的请求。’每天的时间是有限的。没人会为此说你的不是。”

    反馈：你是否也曾经收到过大量社交方面的请求，或是希望提供推荐信的请求呢？你是如何应对的呢？欢迎留言，发表评论。

    （翻译 刘进龙）

    Dear Annie: Your column on how to network without wearing out one's welcome caught my eye, because I've been struggling with the exact kind of "networking fatigue" you mentioned. Thanks to a couple of high-profile positions I've held, I'm very visible in my industry, and know a great many people in it, so I receive a constant flood of requests for recommendations (both "live" and online), references, introductions, job leads, advice, and so on.

    I want to be helpful, especially to people who have been job hunting for a long time, but this is networking run amok. Do I have an obligation to serve as a reference, even for people whose work I either don't know that well or don't think was so great? And can I honor some requests for help and not others without burning any bridges? — Mr. Popularity

    Dear MP: To answer your first question first: No. You are under no obligation to give anyone a reference if you would rather not. Legally, past employers aren't required to respond at all to reference requests, and most big companies have a policy of limiting their (entirely optional) responses to a bare minimum of information, i.e., job title and dates of employment.

    But legalities aside, your larger dilemma is how to do the right thing without letting your helpfulness eat up every spare minute of your day.

    Marc Cenedella, founder and CEO of executive career site TheLadders.com, has a few thoughts on this since he, like you, is constantly besieged by networking requests. He offers these four suggestions:

    1. Set a time limit. "In essence, this is a time management issue like any other, whether it's how much time you're able to spend coaching your child's soccer team or how many hours per week you want to put into volunteer work," he notes. "The answer could be zero, or 10, or whatever works for you. But decide in advance what you're willing to commit to, and then stick to that."

    2. Devote the most time and energy to the conversations you enjoy most. To be worth doing at all, networking should be a two-way street. "If you're also getting something out of helping others, it will keep you from burning out," Cenedella says. "One aspect of this is, do you enjoy chatting with 10 people for 10 minutes each, or would you rather have fewer, more in-depth discussions? Knowing your own style will help determine your strategy."

    An example from his own experience: As the founder of a successful company, Cenedella says he hears from lots of entrepreneurs looking to pick his brain. To separate the truly serious inquiries from the less so, he usually recommends a book like Founders at Work by venture capitalist Jessica Livingston.

    "If someone is willing to read that and get back to me, so we start our discussion on the same page so to speak, then we can have a meaningful exchange of ideas," Cenedella says. "I've found I learn a lot from them."

    3. Foster a discussion that's independent of you. Here's one way the Internet can come in handy. "Many times people looking for advice share each others' questions and concerns," Cenedella observes. "If you set up a blog or a discussion group on a career site or an online social network, you usually find that people will address helpful comments to each other. You can and should weigh in, of course, but you don't need to be there all the time."

    4. Don't angst over it. Although your desire to help people is laudable, if you find that you just can't respond to all requests within the time limit you've set for yourself, "don't feel guilty," Cenedella advises. "Everyone knows you're incredibly busy. It's why they want your recommendation or your advice in the first place."

    For requests you need to turn down for whatever reason, "create a stock response you can email that says something like, 'Sorry, but due to time pressures, I can't honor requests for…,'" he suggests. "There are only so many hours in the day. No one's going to punish you for that."

    Talkback: Have you been on the receiving end of too many networking or reference requests? How do you deal with it? Leave a comment below.