亲爱的安妮：如果你因为家庭问题需要休假，可你的同事为此对你唠唠叨叨，你会如何应对他们？我所在的部门为了赶上项目截止日期而面临巨大压力。我在这里的五年间，做完自己份内的事情之后，还会帮其他人。但现在，我必须把独自居住的老父亲送到养老院。他住的地方与我相隔了半个美国的距离，而且他还患有老年痴呆症。此外，我还得把他住了40多年的房子打扫干净，然后挂牌出售。我至少需要两周到三周的时间来处理这些事。相信我，我自己也不希望花这么长时间。

    更糟糕的是我的上司，尤其是同事们的态度。他们对我说：“没有其他人去做这些事吗？”（确实没有），或者“就不能等到我们七月份的项目结束之后再去吗？”（很可惜，不行）。我感觉我让整个团队失望了。我该怎么回答呢？——T.T.

    亲爱的T.T.：你肯定已经知道了，1993年的《家庭医疗休假法》（Family and Medical Leave Act）明文规定，你每年可以获得最多12周的假期——无薪假期，但不影响福利，也不会失业——来解决与自己或亲人健康有关的问题。美国劳工部的新规定将于六周后生效，规定要求雇主在工作场所张贴海报，宣传《家庭医疗休假法》的规定（此外，专门提醒所有人这部法律的存在）。

    但指出你享有休假的法律权利，并不是要让你与同事或上司疏远。此外，你并不是唯一一个面临这种问题的人。圣克拉拉大学（Santa Clara University）传播学教授、组织社会结构专家贾斯丁•博伦说：“如果缺乏同事的支持，会严重影响到员工对于合法休假的认知。”

    博伦曾与人合著过一篇研究文章，发表在四月份的《南方传播杂志》（Southern Communication Journal）上。研究显示，“同事表现出的怨气”通常会让人们放弃本应有权享受的家庭假期。这些信息或隐晦或直接，使博伦研究的大多数员工“认为，如果享受完整的福利意味着让其他同事接手他们留下的工作，他们会为此而感到内疚。”

    通常情况下，同事的怨气“源自公司文化中内在的、对于员工表现未做出明确说明的预期，”他补充道。“如果同事们认为你令整个团队失望了，那么，平衡工作与生活的压力会进一步加重。”

    那么，到底应该如何维护自己的权利呢？国际企业培训公司（Corporate Coaching International）位于帕萨迪纳市，客户包括迪士尼（Disney）、洛克希德马丁公司（Lockheed Martin）、英国石油公司（BP）、安进制药（Amgen）等大公司的高管。这家培训公司的总裁路易斯•弗兰克尔说：“每一种工作关系中都存在交换条件。一个人在得到的同时，必须同样付出。”

    弗兰克尔表示，家庭危机“通常会让我们耗尽心神，常常忘记考虑我们的缺席会对其他同事产生怎样的影响。这正是同事产生怨气的原因。”

    她建议，在你休假前去照顾父亲之前，与同事们坐下来，通过一对一或小组的形式，向他们说清楚在下一个项目中，你可以做出哪些贡献，保证即使在你离开期间也能提供帮助，同事表明等你回来之后，你愿意额外处理哪些工作任务等。

    Dear Annie: What can you say to coworkers who give you a hassle about taking time off for a family problem? The department where I work is under a lot of pressure to meet deadlines, and in the five years I've been here, I've done my share of the workload and then some. Now, however, I'm faced with having to move my widowed father, who lives halfway across the country and has Alzheimer's, into a nursing home. I also have to clean out the house where he's lived for 40-plus years and put it up for sale. I'll need at least two weeks, or possibly three, to do this and, believe me, I wish it wasn't necessary.

    What's making the whole situation even worse is the attitude of coworkers and, to a lesser extent, my boss. People have said things to me like, "Isn't there someone else who can do this instead of you?" (there isn't) and "Can't it wait until we've met our July project deadline?" (no, unfortunately, it can't). But I feel like I'm letting the team down. How should I respond? -- Torn in Tacoma

    Dear T.T.: As you probably already know, the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 entitles you to up to 12 weeks per year of time off — unpaid, but without losing your benefits, or your job -- to deal with a health-related issue, either yours or a close family member's. New Labor Department rules, which took effect about six weeks ago, require employers to put up posters in workplaces, spelling out what the FMLA says (and, not incidentally, reminding everybody that it exists).

    But pointing out that you have a legal right to do what you need to do isn't likely to get you very far with your colleagues, or your boss. Moreover, you're far from the only one struggling with this. "A lack of support from peers has a tremendous effect on employees' feeling that they can legitimately take time off," notes Justin Boren, a communications professor at Santa Clara University and an expert on social structures within organizations.

    Boren is co-author of a study in the April issue of Southern Communication Journal showing that "messages of peer resentment" often stop people from taking the family-leave time they're entitled to. Those messages -- some subtle, some not -- made most employees in Boren's research "feel guilty for taking their full complement of benefits, if it meant leaving their colleagues to 'pick up the slack.'"

    Often, coworkers' resentment "stems from unstated expectations about performance that are embedded in the culture of the organization," he adds. "The stress of trying to balance work life and family life is really exacerbated when colleagues say you're letting the team down."

    So, how can you defend yourself? "In every relationship at work, there is a quid pro quo," says Lois Frankel, head of Pasadena-based Corporate Coaching International, whose clients have included executives at Disney (DIS), Lockheed Martin (LMT), BP (BP), Amgen (AMGN), and many other big companies. "You have to give at least as much as you get."

    A family crisis "often preoccupies us so completely that we forget to think much about how our absence will affect the people around us at work," Frankel observes. "That's where the resentment from colleagues comes in."

    Before you leave to take care of your father, she suggests you sit down with your teammates, either as a group or one-on-one, and work out what you can contribute to the next project deadline before you take off, how reachable you'll be while you're away, and what additional work you'd be willing to handle when you get back.